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After coming off of birth control over two years ago and now four rounds of Intrauterine Insemination (IUI), I know what my symptoms look like.

I’ve always had periods on the heavier side, but even the minor spotting and cramping I experienced last week was a tell-tale sign that my period came and went.

No wonder I wanted to cry.

My past two periods are a reminder that my last round of IUI didn’t work.

I’m sitting in the waiting room of my OBGYN’s office, walls covered in photos of happy mothers with their children.

Every time I go to the office, all the photos on the walls make me think of the little mini-me I want to have. I imagine their bright blue eyes and auburn hair mirroring my own. Hopefully, they have my smile or my nose. Though, they are welcome to be taller than my 4’ 11” curvy frame.

For now, I’m waiting to be taken back for yet another appointment that will disappoint me. I already know I’m going to pee in a cup and have them confirm what I already know in my broken heart.

I’m not pregnant.

Which feels devastating to admit after wanting a child of my own for so long.

Thus far, I’ve planned my life meticulously, but I never thought to plan for a relationship, much less a baby.

Then, two years ago, I reached the same age as when my mother had me, and it became the only thing I could think about.

Previously, my life centered around work. Long days and sleepless nights are what helped me conquer my little corner of the Tech market in Texas.

Being a woman in tech is hard enough, but adding a passion for ocean conservation will suddenly put you in the oil and gas world.

I left my job as a researcher at twenty-four. For the past ten years, I’ve worked my ass off to build up Coral Crude, the leading consulting and technology resource for oil companies looking to offset their environmental impact by building up coral reefs around their offshore oil platforms.

In college, I studied at the Flower Garden Banks National Marine Sanctuary, which lies 80-125 miles off the Texas and Louisiana coastlines.

The Flower Garden is proof of the Gulf’s capacity to house thriving coral reefs. Reefs protect coastlines, host hundreds of marine species, and aid in the development of treatments for cancer, arthritis, and viruses.

After only a few years working as a researcher, I knew there was a need and a market for resources that energy companies looking to offset their environmental impact on the Gulf.

Thus, Coral Crude was born.

It’s been my baby ever since.

But something changed around my 32nd birthday that kicked my biological clock into overdrive.

Suddenly, my focus shifted from conservation to conception.

The desire to start a family consumed me, and I started consulting with my doctor about options for entering “My Motherhood Era.”

Family has always been a tricky subject for me.

My father and I went no-contact nearly four years ago after years of trying to have a relationship with him as an adult. But the truth is, he was never the parent I needed him to be, even as a child. He was gone for work more than he was home. Between the neglect and cruelty toward me, our relationship was always superficial.

In many ways, it was purely business. I served a purpose for him. I gave him the public persona he wanted everyone to see him for. In return, I was given food, shelter, and an education. But I was never his daughter.

He never showed me love.

After beginning to unravel all of the trauma he caused with my therapist, I realized it was healthier for me to go through my life on my own than with him in it.

Parenthood is no different.

Doing this whole motherhood thing alone was the only way I ever saw myself having a family.

So, I poured over hundreds of records for sperm donors, and once I found a suitable donor, I started rounds of IUI and fertility treatments.

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