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When I reach the front door, I glance quickly over my shoulder and see her still staring at the envelope.

This will be good for her, for us.

The path forward for us might be unclear right now, but I’m sure there is one.

Elsie is my forever.

Forever and always.

She just needs to realize that for herself.

Chapter 35

Elizabeth,

Idoubt you remember your mother. You were so young when I lost her. I never really thought about how it may have impacted you. All I know is that it broke me fundamentally. She died, left us, and suddenly, the world shifted. Unexpectedly, there was a human who was totally dependent upon me for everything. I thought I was ready for that, but I wasn’t.

Seeing you this week, preparing to expand your own family with a new child on the way and a man who looks at you with stars in his eyes, made me realize how inept I was as a parent.

I was never prepared to be a real father to you. Not really.

I never considered what it meant to be a good parent beyond providing for you financially and making sure there was a roof over your head and food in your belly.

There were too many times in your childhood when I could see the joy drain from your face when I told you I had to go to work or on a trip. There are too many memories of disappointing you at every turn, and I think it turned me into someone I don’t recognize.

I’m dying.

I have been for a while—Leukemia—and it makes a man reflect on his life.

I wish I would have reacted differently when I saw you this week. When I first saw you, with your bright hair and the glow that every pregnant woman has, I wanted to pull you into my arms and beg for your forgiveness. But every day that I’ve called you, my daughter has also been one where I drank a poison of my own making to protect myself from a world that taught me that vulnerability is a weakness and not a gift. That bitterness seeped out of me at that moment, and I fear that it ruined any chance I may have at reconciling with you.

I’ve tried to mold you into the person I wanted, or maybe needed, you to be. I tried to steer you into making the right decisions. However, those choices were my own, and I should have known better than to try and force them onto others. My judgment was of myself, never you, Elizabeth. It wasn’t right, but it was all I knew then.

Seeing you at the club and how soon the family would be growing it made things crystal clear.

You are, and have always been, the center of my world and my reason for being. I love you more than I’ve ever been able to express properly.

My biggest regret is not showing you that to be true. I’ve failed you in so many ways in this life, but I hope, when you’re reading this after my death, you give me the opportunity to be a father to you once more. And hopefully, a good one this time.

Don’t let fear guide your life, Elizabeth. I’ve seen you pursue every goal you’ve had for your life relentlessly, but sometimes, the greatest joys come from embracing the journey along the way. There is a life waiting for you beyond the goals that you’ve set for yourself. Take the time to embrace the unknown of life.

You don’t need to follow in my footsteps. They’re lonely and unfulfilling.

Go and find what brings you joy, Elizabeth. Surround yourself with people who add brilliance to your life, and don’t let them go.

Choose to be happy, sweet girl.

All my love,

Charles Snow

Chapter 36

Elsie

September 19 — 37 Weeks 5 Days, Pumpkin

It takes me a full day before I can bring myself to open up my father’s letter.

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