Page 239 of My Rules

Another slot in the memory bank that will weaken over time.

I sip my red wine and slowly turn the glass by the stem to look over the rich color.

It’s been eight days since I last saw Rebecca, and like a man starved for air, I can feel myself dying without her love.

Marriage is just a piece of paper.

The biggest disappointment was learning that I didn’t even know her.

Not really, anyway.

I may have gotten around in my former life, but deep down I wanted the happily ever after ... with someone who ...

Maybe this is my punishment for being so insensitive to all the women I dated over the years.

Karma.

I swallow the lump in my throat, and it hurts all the way down.

I close my eyes and take a long, steadying breath; I need to stop wallowing in this self-pity.

It isn’t healthy to be acting like this.

Tomorrow, I’m going to go back to the gym. I’m going to eat healthy. My eyes linger on the deep-plum liquid in my glass. I’m going to stop fucking drinking all the time.

I’ll be okay.

I take a big gulp of my wine and slosh it around in my mouth, and like the masochist that I am, I hit play on Spotify. I’ve been listening to this song on repeat, again and again.

I tell myself it’s to make me feel better, but the reality is that I want to keep being sad. Because sad is all I have left of her, and I’ll hang on to anything that I can.

The thought of never having her in my arms again is ... I close my eyes and see Rebecca’s beautiful smile.

“Lovely” by Billie Eilish echoes through the speakers.

The familiar tone of the piano brings with it a comforting sense of melancholy.

Isn’t she lovely . . .

Yes . . . yes, she was.

Three weeks later

No conversation, no love ... no contact.

I sit in the back of a yellow cab on my way to work and stare out the window.

At least when she continually called me in that first week, it appeared that she cared.

Did I mean that little to her that she gave up so easy? ... She didn’t even fight it.

Or for me . . .

Her silence is the confirmation that my deepest fear was true.

She still loves him. She’ll always love him.

I get a vision of the two of us rolling around in the sheets, and my stomach drops.

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