Page 263 of The Bonus

My aim is to convince her to move to New York so that we are never apart. The more I settle into my new role as a father, the more I realize that I can’t be without them for four days every week.

Nala brings our drinks, and I hold my glass up. The kids smile as they raise theirs to meet mine. “To the Big Apple.”

Mark throws the Uno card down onto the table. We’re playing with the kids…again. We’ve converted Mark into a long-suffering Uno champ too.

I glance over to my beautiful Gracie sitting alone on the other side of the plane, she’s looking out the window with her book in her hand and then I notice something. She’s wearing her diamond tennis bracelet I bought her all those years ago.

She put it back on.

Gracie glances up and catches me staring at her. I wink and she smiles softly.

I feel it all the way to my bones.

I need her, I need us to be officially together, and while we haven’t had sex, she’s going to hold me at arm’s length…she already is.

Tonight, I fix it. Tonight…she’s mine.

Grace

The sun is just beginning to set as the car pulls into the underground parking lot, and the kids stare out the window in awe. Gabriel chats away, happily explaining everything to them, all the while I feel myself spiraling.

The last two times I was in New York were so traumatic for me that somehow it’s triggered a million emotions. I feel unexpectedly angry with him, I feel scared for me, but more than anything, I feel terrified for my children.

What have I done?

If we don’t work out… We’re here already.

The thought of going home with the two children alone is more than I can bear.

Gabriel’s warm hand squeezes mine and I glance up. “Are you okay? You’re very quiet.”

I force a smile. “Just tired.”

He pulls me close and kisses my temple and I ease out of his grip. “Stop,” I whisper.

We’re not telling the children we are together yet…remember?

Ugh, this is so like him to assume control.

He gives me the side eye and I turn to stare out the window. I don’t know what the fuck is going on with me right now, but I need to snap out of it.

And quick.

It was me who said we could try again. I can’t say that I forgive him and then drag things up and throw them in his face forever. The relationship will be doomed before it even begins.

New York is just a place, it’s not a behavior, I remind myself.

I know what I’ve got to do…but realistically, how do you pretend that you aren’t so terrified of being hurt again that you can hardly breathe?

The car pulls to a stop, and as they all climb out, I know I have to make a decision right here and now.

Forget the past and live in the present or end this relationship before it turns toxic.

It’s either or; it can’t be both.

Gabriel leans into the car to help me out. “Let’s go, babe,” he says softly.

My eyes search his, and this is it, the moment I know I have to decide.

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