Page 195 of The Bonus

I’ve never felt so guilty and sad. Ariana doesn’t deserve any of this.

Mark and Andrew stand silently near the elevator and I march past them. “You’re all on fucking notice,” I growl. “When I pay a fortune for security, I want fucking security.”

Their faces fall, and I hit the elevator button with force and close the door on them.

I’m so over this fucking day, I can’t stand it.

I ride to the top; the elevator doors open up directly into my penthouse, and I step out and walk straight to my bar. With shaky hands, I pour myself a glass of scotch and drink it straight; it burns all the way down. And so it should, I deserve it.

I pour another one and go and flop on my couch. I stare into space for a long time. I picture Ariana and don’t even want to imagine what’s happening at her parents’ right now.

I dig into my pocket to see that Grace has texted me.

It’s fine, I hope she’s okay.

Do what you need to do.

I exhale in relief, thank fuck for that.

I lift my glass to my lips, my hand shaking like a leaf. I honestly don’t know if I’ve ever been so stressed. I go to the medicine cabinet and rattle through the meds, finally I find some Xanax and pop two and wash them down with more scotch.

I breathe deep and pace back and forth as I try to will my nervous system to calm down.

Slowly and surely, I feel the Xanax take hold, my heartbeat slows and the shaking begins to subside.

I lie on the couch and stare at the wall. My penthouse is quiet and as the shadows of daylight leave, I’m left alone in the dark with my conscience.

It’s lonely here.

“And this here.” I point to the whiteboard. “Is…” I click my fingers as I try to remember. “Fuck, what is it, his name has escaped me.”

“John?” Alessio cuts in.

“Yeah.” I clench my jaw, fuck… “John will be looking after the . . .”

“Program?” Alessio cuts me off.

The board members glance at each other and I want to sink through the floor.

“Can we break for five minutes?” Alessio interrupts me. “I need to take a very important call.”

“Of course, meet back here in fifteen,” I tell everyone. I march out of the boardroom and into my office. I wash my face in my bathroom and feel someone standing beside me. I glance up to see Alessio leaning on the doorjamb.

“You all right, man?”

“Yep.” I dry my face and walk past him back into my office.

“The story about Ariana today in the newspaper has rattled you?”

“You mean the picture of me and her getting off my jet, holding hands, with the headline ‘Ferrara and Ariana reunite on romantic getaway’?”

He winces. “Pretty much.”

“I just need to get through this meeting before I can even think about that dumpster fire.”

“Have you spoken to Grace?”

“No, I zonked myself out last night and fell asleep. I’ll call her tonight.”

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