Page 160 of The Bonus

“I planted some beans today.” Jack smiles. “You’re going to love them when they’re ready for picking, it’s a real thrill to get your hands dirty in the garden.”

I smile over at dear old Jack, so sweet and kind although utterly clueless about the kind of thrill I’m looking for. “Do you grow all your own vegetables?” I ask.

“Every last one, you can come garden with me on the weekend if you want? I’ll show you how to weed properly.”

Dear god…

“I’m pretty swamped this weekend, thanks anyway.” I force a smile as I look around the restaurant. Where is the freaking waitress?

Gabriel arrives on Thursday and we’re telling the kids. Nerves swirl in my stomach at just the thought.

“What are you doing?” he asks.

I glance up from my daydream. “I beg your pardon?”

“What are you doing this weekend?”

“I have an old friend visiting.”

“Oh great. I’d love to meet them.”

Gabriel would eat you alive and pick his teeth with your bones.

“Sure.” I fake a smile. “I’ll let you know.”

From the corner of my eye, I see the clock tick over. 2:19 a.m.

I thought my sleepless nights of worrying about Gabriel Ferrara were long over.

And yet, here I am.

Lying in the dark, staring at the ceiling like a zombie, hovering somewhere between heaven and hell.

In the highs of heaven, my children will be reunited with their father, no longer will I carry the burden of guilt of denying them the truth. The hell part isn’t so cut-and-dry, I’m terrified of Gabriel coming back into my life.

Of the power he has over me, of the love I’m not sure I’ll ever shake.

The hurt and destruction to my heart I know he will bring.

It’s weird, like I have this disattachment to all things love, to all the men who have tried to love me over the years and the thought of marriage and a happy ever after.

Like a disease creeping in the dark, waiting to strike. My attachment to the pain he caused grows stronger than ever, and what does that say about me?

I loved him, but more than that, I love to hate him.

It’s easier to blame someone else for things gone wrong.

Sure, the attraction between us is still there, but that’s all it is.

A physical attraction will never win a war or spin the world on its axis.

Only love can do that, and this is as far from that as it gets.

I hope he looks after my babies.

I can think of only one thing worse than him not loving me…

Him not loving them…

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