Page 58 of The Bonus

“Yeah well… There are a lot of things I hate about you.” I drain my glass and slosh it around in my mouth before swallowing. “Stop watching me and get back to work.”

“Last time I looked, my job is watching you.” He winks.

“Fuck off,” I mouth.

He saunters back to his place by the wall and I step forward in line to the bar and drag my hand through my hair as I wait.

I hate that he knows me.

Grace

“We’re going to get going, sweetheart.” Mom kisses my forehead.

“Well done today, Gracie,” Dad says as he looks lovingly down at the babies in their crib beside my bed. “You did good, baby.”

“Thank you so much for being in the delivery room with me.” I kiss my mom as she leans over me and then my dad. “I’m so grateful for you two.”

“We’ll be back first thing tomorrow.” Dad smiles as he adjusts the baby’s little blue bonnet. “You be good babies for your momma tonight,” he tells them, and with one last smile, they disappear down the corridor.

It’s midnight, and the maternity ward has fallen quiet. My room is dark and lit only by the strip lighting in the bathroom.

For the first time I’m left alone with my two babies, fraternal twins, a little boy and a little girl. Wrapped tightly in their little bunny rugs and snugged in together in the one crib.

I’m having this weird out-of-body experience, it’s as if I’m hovering way up above and watching the three of us. Together at last…but then so alone.

No dad here to welcome them into the world, to comfort me, or to tell us it’s going to be okay. Words that I so desperately need to hear.

Now that they’ve arrived and are real-life little people, my deception seems all too real.

I’m a bad person, I should have told him.

My nostrils flare as I try to keep it together, the lump in my throat is painful. It’s like I’ve been holding in tears for nine months and the glue that held me together is disintegrating before my eyes.

This is a happy day. I will not cry.

A hot tear rolls down my cheek and I swipe it away.

“Hey,” a nurse says as she walks through the door. “Are you okay, darling?” She comes and sits on the side of my bed and takes my hand in hers.

“Yes,” I whisper.

“Big day, huh?”

I nod.

“Are you in pain?”

“No.”

“Don’t be a hero, Grace, C-sections are painful, and you need to be rested before you go home alone with these babies.”

Home alone.

Hearing it out loud breaks the dam and I screw up my face in tears.

“Oh sweetie, tomorrow will seem a lot brighter. I promise.”

I nod, unable to answer through the lump in my throat.

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