Page 35 of The Bonus

I smile softly.

I imagine the future with just the two of us, and a weird sense of calm falls over me.

I can do this, me and bub, we will work it out…together.

We can build a new life for the two of us.

Gabriel gave me the ultimate gift.

His child.

6

Grace

Midnight.

Where darkness lives and anxiety thrives.

It’s been four days since I found out I was pregnant. Four days of swinging between elated and shocked to horrified and sad.

I haven’t told a single soul.

I don’t know what to do and I’m scared.

The enormity of carrying Gabriel Ferrara’s baby has just hit me.

He doesn’t want me or a child, and having a baby on my own is not something I ever envisaged for myself.

To be honest, I don’t know if I can do it.

This house is big and quiet…and now lonely.

I imagine myself coming home from the hospital with my little bundle of joy…all alone, how will that feel?

I see my future of sitting up in the middle of the night and feeding a tiny little baby, nobody to help me, nobody to love me…or him. This poor little baby deserves to have a dad who loves it, this isn’t his fault…or hers.

And what do I tell the baby as it grows up?

Daddy wants nothing to do with you… He wants an Italian baby and you just don’t cut it.

The hot tears run down my face and drip into my ears.

I’ve never felt so alone, so confused.

My heartache was bad enough when I thought I just lost him, but now this…everything seems magnified and I’m no longer grieving my loss of him, that seems irrelevant if I’m honest. I’m grieving for my baby and the happy family that I can’t deliver him.

I picture the moment when I tell my parents and my brothers that I’m pregnant with my former boss’s baby and that he doesn’t want anything to do with me.

My mom will cry, my dad will be outraged with Gabriel… Everyone will feel sorry for me.

Poor Grace, her boss got drunk at the Christmas party and had her on his desk for kicks, got her knocked up and now wants nothing to do with her… I hate that it’s true.

And then there’s the Ferraras, Gabriel’s mother is going to go ballistic. His father, his brothers and sister…oh god.

I feel sick to my stomach.

The tears flow onto my pillow like a river, my mind is jumping from one nightmare thought to the next and I know exactly how this looks.

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