Page 109 of Kept in the Dark

“But you didn’t want that?”

“Not at all. I always dreamed of being a model and moving to a big city. Plus, being a stay-at-home-mom and wife sounded like a death sentence.”

“So why did you stay with him?” Gavin asked softly.

Sara stood and walked to the railing of the porch, looking over the yard. Genevieve lived in a quaint little neighborhood tucked back behind acres of orange groves. It was the perfect place to have a family. Ironically, Chase would have loved it.

She took a deep breath and said, “He was safe and kind. He supported everything I wanted, even if it wasn’t good for me. He’d never say it, but he hated that I wanted to be a model.”

She shrugged. “He loved me in his own way, but he didn’t love me enough to put his foot down when I needed it. He never told me no, never put up a fight- even when my body was killing itself. He would actually go score drugs for me when I was coming off a really bad high, despite wanting to get clean.”

She hadn’t realized Gavin was standing behind her until he grasped the railing, his arms surrounding her as he locked her in place. She didn’t flinch or move away, though. Instead, she stuck her hand over the railing, feeling the rain as each drop fell over her fingers.

It’s funny how rain could be taken for granted. She savored this moment in a way not many could appreciate or understand.

Tears stung her eyes, and she let them fall, mourning with the sky.

“My own father hated me, and I made his life hell. My mother loved me, but I had pretty well worn her down, so she kept her distance. She watched her child all but disintegrate, and there was nothing she could do. I think she thought my inevitable overdose would hurt less if she distanced herself from me. And Hailey…well, Hailey loved me enough to clean up my messes and bail me out of trouble, but even she had her own walls.”

“But Chase wasn’t like that,” Gavin said. It wasn’t a question but a statement.

“He was so supportive and caring that I felt like I was suffocating. He was always there, always understanding, never harsh toward me, never fought with me. It was all sunshine and rainbows. And while it was safe, it was too safe. He loved me despite how broken I was. And that was the problem: he thought I was something broken that he could fix. But I didn't think I needed fixing.”

“So, what happened?”

“My agent reached out and offered me a contract I couldn’t pass up. I had a meeting with him, and I realized he expected me to sleep with him and I couldn’t lose out on the offer.”

She allowed her voice to trail off. She was embarrassed at what she’d done, selling her body. It was degrading and shameful, but back then she didn’t care. All she had wanted was to get away from this town and for people to notice her and know her name.

Gavin’s jaw clenched and he gently took her hand in his.

She shrugged. “I think a part of me was self-sabotaging my relationship. I told Chase what happened, and he didn’t even care that I slept with my agent. He cared more about the fact that I didn’t want him to come with me to New York anymore.”

Gavin wrapped his arms around her as she continued, “He just kept saying we would work through it, and I couldn’t take it anymore. I said I’d be willing to come back and visit or he could visit me, but I wanted to do it on my own first.”

“What did he say to that?”

Sara chuckled. “He stormed off. He was heartbroken but I felt so...free. I thought I would feel sad, but I was relieved.”

“I’m assuming he didn't visit you once you were in prison?” Gavin asked.

Sara shook her head. “Apparently, ‘murderer’ isn’t a reputation that impresses a potential mother-in-law.”

Gavin chuckled, knowing her dark humor was her defense mechanism. She cracked jokes, but they both knew she was still healing from the destruction of her past. And yet, he gave her the space to process her thoughts and traumas the way she wanted to. She loved that about him.

“Do I make you feel like that? Suffocated?” Gavin asked.

Sara turned around and looked up at him. Then she gently cupped his face, her fingers feeling the stubble of his beard. “You make me feel safe and loved and cared for. You don’t act like you know what's best for me, even if you disagree with my choices. You let me have my freedom. And that means more to be than you’ll ever know.”

He smiled at her and she kissed him again.

“Good,” he said. “Because you deserve to be free.”

Gavin gathered her up in his arms and held her until darkness fell.

July 7, 2011

8:12 pm

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