Page 44 of Lily, Unwritten

I shook my head. “Nobody can talk to him when he’s like this.”

A few hours later, after abusing Guy’s credit card for four last minute flights, Cassie held my hand as our plane took off. We were on our way back to Manchester, away from Zack and into a situation that I had no idea how to handle. All I knew was that my heart was battered and bruised, and still firmly in that villa, which I had just fled from.

Fifteen

I found myself resident in the granny flat once more. What would we all do without Cassie’s granny flat? I was completely confused about how a holiday could start with so much love and promise and yet end with absolute devastation; I still couldn’t quite take it all in. A full week passed, yet another week when I rang in sick, and Margaret sounded as though she was at the end of her patience. I knew the case was at a crucial point, and I’d promised I wouldn’t let her down, but I couldn’t function right now, I’d be a hindrance rather than a help.

I’d messaged and called Zack over and over. I switched between begging him to speak to me, then trying to plead with his practicality that the house sale was due to go through imminently, and we needed to sort this out. He didn’t reply, and he didn’t answer calls. I tried to speak to his mum and his sisters, and although they were civil, it was clear they weren’t prepared to get involved and were firmly on his side, which was understandable… I supposed.

The only messages I did get were late at night when I assumed he was drunk. They involved sarcastic snippets of the conversation he’d heard between Luke and I. I couldn’t get through to him that it wasn’t the whole story, and he was throwing us away over an incomplete anecdote somehow recorded by a devious bitch who had it in for us from the start. I remembered the barman on his break who had been sat next to us, it could only have been him. Anna must’ve got him to do her dirty work for her.

Cassie urged me to go back to the house and confront Zack, but I was too scared. I was petrified of how final this all was, and I didn’t want that to be verified by him. I was also torn between utter rage that I was vilified here when I hadn’t done anything wrong, this time at least. I couldn’t eat, sleep, focus on anything properly - in a bittersweet way it reminded me of how I’d been when we fell in love, but was this the opposite?

It got to the point that we were seven days away from contract exchange on the new house, when Zack rang me.

“Hi.” I answered the phone with caution, unsure what to expect.

“I just wanted to let you know I spoke to the solicitors this morning and told them we weren’t going ahead with the house purchase.” His voice was cold, I’d never known him sound like this.

“Zack, why? There’s no need for this.”

“There’s every need. I can’t trust you. What do we have without that?” Zack asked. He spoke to me like I was a client to be questioned, not a person he loved.

“That night, I did everything I should’ve done, I walked away from Luke because I’m engaged to you, because I want you.”

“You didn’t tell me, though.”

“Because I knew you’d get like this, and there wasn’t anything to tell,” I tried again to explain.

“About the engaged thing, you can keep the ring, I’m not bothered. But we’re not engaged anymore, Lily.”

“Can we please met up? Discuss this properly. We can work all of this out, I know we can.”

‘I don’t want to see you… I can’t see you.”

“How can you be so cold?” I sobbed down the phone. He was crushing my heart, my dreams of our future together.

“Don’t you dare even say that! You have no idea the extent to which you’ve fucked up my life. I wish I’d never even got that coffee with you. You’ve destroyed me,” he shouted down the phone, and I winced at the hurt his words caused.

“Zack, I know I screwed up a lot of stuff. You haven’t exactly been a saint either, in case you’ve forgotten. But in this instance, I’ve done nothing wrong, and you’re throwing away our whole future over that.”

“I can’t live our future always thinking that he’s around the corner, always wondering if I was the second choice. That’s the problem, and that’s never going to go away,” Zack said with a sigh. “I’m away all of next week, do you think you could come and take your stuff? I’ll cover all the bills and rent, it’s not a problem. Just leave your key when you go.”

“Seriously?” I asked, choking on the sheer amount of tears that fell away from me.

“Seriously.”

“You’re not the person I thought you were, Zack. Not even close. You’re giving up on me, again.”

I ended the call, not wanting to hear his response, and threw the phone across the room. I’d done the right thing that evening. Yes, I’d spoken to Luke, but I hadn’t kissed him; I hadn’t told him I loved him; I hadn’t betrayed Zack.

I’d let Cassie down for him. I’d tried everything to show him how committed I was- the house, the wedding, the baby plans. I wanted it all so much. I wanted him so much.

I couldn’t believe it was over. His jealousy, his insecurities, that was the problem here. I sighed as the realisation dawned on me, that it was my behaviour which had sent those traits into overdrive. I really had messed him up.

I was cold, empty. Resigned to all this absolute bullshit. I never should have gone on that blind date. I was much better off when I was alone.

I got the train home, if it was still that, a couple of days later. The rented house was already partially packed up as we’d been preparing to move. I’d arranged for Cassie to meet me there the following day and bring all my things back. I guess the granny flat was going to be my permanent lodging for now until I figured out what the hell I was going to do. Standing outside our house, anger burned through me. There was someone who needed to answer for all of this. I opened the front door, threw my overnight bag in, then turned around and headed for the city center.

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