Page 35 of Lily, Unwritten

engraved within my heart

Round and round in aching circles

always missing the moment we needed

I would run that gauntlet forever

if it took my whole life

For one moment with you

I would forsake every other second

It was him. Was this the only way he could communicate with me? Such a beautiful way. I had no idea he could write something so… so pure as if he’d drawn it from the exact place his love for me lived. It must have been agony for him.

And I’d just let him drive away from me. But what else could I do?

My phone beeped with a message, and the guilt weighed me down once more.

I just got back and I’m exhausted, can I call you in the morning instead? x

Absolutely, I’m worn out too. I love you. Sleep well xx

Love you too Mrs Beaumont -well, soon at least x

Zack was going to lose the plot. I went to my wardrobe and took out the Gucci box, which hadn’t been touched in so long. I knew I was completely pathetic as I put the shoes on and slid the memory card into my laptop.

Then, in the most self-indulgent act of misery I’ve ever known, I sobbed my way through every photograph and every message. My throat was raw and painful by the time I got to the end.

I took the poem I’d just found in my bag and placed it in the shoe box, then I thought about The Metro piece… had he been leaving me little trails? Had I been utterly blind?

I fell into a restless sleep as our old favourite, The Scientist, played on repeat. At least I’d always have Coldplay. But in the morning, this would stop. Because I loved Zack, and I couldn’t wait to be his wife. He was my forever, and I couldn’t risk that on a ‘what if”, no matter how pretty.

Twelve

Zack called me early the next morning, and I managed to sound completely cheery. I’d decided as soon as I woke up not to mention what had happened, it would only cause tension, and it wasn’t like it was anybody’s fault, nor could it be changed.

I also thought that for once I’d managed to behave quite well. Luke and I had discussed things, cleared the air, and nothing untoward had happened. I was being a responsible, engaged, grown up. Despite every other torrid emotion, I felt proud about that. I’d grown, I really had, and I was so much more certain about what I wanted – Zack.

Still, I had standards. Just in case I was called back to the hotel I dressed in the sexiest work clothes I could get together. I smiled as I slipped the Guccis back onto my feet, shivering at the memories we’d made in them. I even got an Uber into the office, smiling widely as I arrived early and lurked around reception, wondering if the mediator’s assistant was back.

She was. Meaning I was surplus to requirements. I resigned myself to a day alone in the boardroom with mountains of paperwork and way too much time to think. Half of my brain knew this was for the best, but half was disappointed, let down. I packed the shoes back away later that evening, pained at our brief reconnection.

I felt utterly lacklustre for the rest of the week. Zack would be back on Sunday morning. I managed to meet Hannah on Saturday for an impromptu Christmas shopping and birthday planning trip. She pulled me into a tight hug as we met outside the same Starbucks which had hosted my blind date with Zack. That seemed an eternity ago.

“Hey. Bloody freezing, isn’t it?” Hannah exclaimed.

I smiled as I noticed the thin t-shirt she was wearing under her jacket. “You need warmer clothes.” I glanced into the coffee shop window, smiling as I noticed ‘our’ table.

“You want coffee?” she asked.

I shook my head. “No, just reminiscing. This was where Zack and I had our first date.”

“Aww! I didn’t know. Well, if you’re still looking for a wedding venue…”

“Ha! Maybe not, hey?” I laughed as she linked her arm through mine, and we set off towards The Arndale.

“So, the holiday is all booked?” she asked.

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