Page 33 of Lily, Unwritten

All I had to do was get through today. Speak to Luke over a drink. Explain to Zack. Carry on as normal. Totally doable. Totally…

By two in the afternoon, I’d come to the conclusion this wasn’t doable. I was in absolute turmoil.

It had become apparent that no further progress could be made, the whole session was paused until the next day. I’d made notes about everything yet remembered nothing. I had zero idea if the mediation was working for either side.

Luke exited the room. I remained there, pushing paperwork around. I wished Anna would leave too. I worried I was acting suspicious. “I’ll message you in the morning if we need you again, Lily, thanks for stepping in,” she said.

I don’t know how I hid my shock at a thank you from Anna. “No problem. I’ll speak to you in the morning.”

She looked me up and down before she left. “Hmm, will do.”

I gave it ten torturous minutes before I headed to the bar; my nerves open and exposed.

I instantly spotted Luke. It was like an invisible string stretched between us and I could always find my way back to him. A bottle of white stood on his table in a copper wine cooler. Was that a ploy to make me stay longer? I hoped so, even though I knew that it was wrong of me, and I’d never admit it to anyone.

“Hi,” I said quietly as I sat down at his table, adjacent to the bar. He’d chosen an out of the way spot; the only person nearby was a barman on his break, sat scrolling through his phone.

Luke smiled at me. That slow, sexy, gorgeous smile. The corners of his eyes crinkled up, the cerulean of them vivid against the whites.

“Are you OK? You’re not moving,” he said, as he pushed a glass of wine towards me.

I swallowed and sat down. “I don’t know.”

“I’m sorry about the way I left that morning, I didn’t know what else to do. You were struggling, it was painful to see.”

“That night, before you left… It felt like we…” I ran my hands through my hair, unable to think of how to vocalise exactly what it had meant.

“I know what you mean. I wanted to make the decision easy on you.”

“It wasn’t easy. I’ve learned to deal with it, Luke, but it’s never been easy.”

“Learned to deal with it with a big diamond?” he asked.

“What did you expect me to do? You cut me off, you told me to go be with Zack. I was in absolute bits, I could barely function. It took me weeks to even act semi-normal with him. I…”

“I’m sorry. I honestly intended on doing the best thing for you. I always only did everything for you, Lily.” He reached for my hand as he spoke, and my body craved more of him. But I couldn’t go through it again, I didn’t have the strength. Our fingers grazed each other’s for a moment, then I pulled back.

“You’re too good, that’s part of the problem. I miss you so much, you have no idea.”

“I have every idea. Everywhere I go in my house, I picture you there. I was thinking about selling it, just to try and get peace in my mind, but part of me can’t stand to,” Luke said. His whole demeanor saddened as he took a long drink.

“I saw your photo in a magazine… At the charity ball.” I sucked on my bottom lip as I awaited his response, then pressed my teeth into it, allowing the painful sting to distract me.

“There was only one person I wanted to be there with…”

“I feel like I should leave, but I’m terrified I’ll never see you again. I don’t think I’m back tomorrow, it was just a favour for the mediator.”

“I want every minute I can get with you.”

“I can’t go through it again,” I put my head into my hands. “I still can’t say for sure what I would’ve done that morning if you hadn’t left, if you hadn’t sent that email, but Luke…” I looked up at him, my eyes full of tears. “I think it was going to be you. That night was perfection. Nothing’s ever come close, it never will.”

“But you would’ve felt bad about Zack and I didn’t want to put you through that.”

“Losing you wasn’t any better. I have to go, I can’t handle this. I can’t control myself around you, and I’m getting married and…” The bar was busy now, but I couldn’t stop myself from crying, utterly undignified, ridiculous heaving sobs. “I can’t do this to him.”

“Come outside. Just breathe. You’re OK, I’m with you.” He took hold of my hand and wrapped his jacket around my shoulders as we got to the door. We headed to the side of the hotel where we’d spoken earlier. The winter evening had darkened as we’d talked and the street was now illuminated by strings of twinkling white Christmas lights. “You know everyone in there thinks I just dumped you now? Thanks for that,” he laughed and elbowed me with a grin, instantly lightning the mood.

I couldn’t help but join in with his laugh through my sobs. “How did we end up here again?”

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