Page 22 of Lily, Unwritten

“Zack, that’s horrible.” I clambered off him, furious.

“No, it’s just true,” he muttered as he took a drink. “Maybe I should’ve stayed at work…”

“What the… I can’t speak to you when you’re like this.”

He shrugged, giving off petulant vibes as he reached for the remote and flicked between channels. “It’s a decision we should make together. I wouldn’t go and be a sperm donor without checking with you.”

“Cassie is heartbroken about this. If it was donating blood, or something like that, you wouldn’t mind.”

“It’s a bit different, Lily, you know that.”

I slouched out of the room and headed up to bed, wondering if he’d stop me – he didn’t.

I sat on the bed and got my phone out to message Cassie, then realised I couldn’t. How could I tell her we’d fallen out about this. I scrolled through my contacts- apart from family and work colleagues, it was, sadly, bare. A friend to talk this through with would be lovely. A friend, who, if he was in this position with me, would put other people first before his own desires.

“I miss you so much.” I whispered the words into the air around me, as if by chance a breeze might catch them and carry them to him.

I straightened the sheets that were strewn all over the bed from earlier and pictured Luke as I did so. His beautiful face, his vivid blue eyes, that blond hair that suited him whether tidy for work, or messy at weekends. His body - I’d never before touched a body so fit, so muscular. Zack wasn’t exactly a slob, but Luke was in a different league, and I knew from experience the yoga positions he could stretch into. I realised I spent too much time forcing myself not to think of him. I needed to stop that before I couldn’t conjure these images anymore. I was aghast at the idea of not being able to picture him.

I watched myself in the mirror as I brushed my teeth and imagined Luke stood next to me brushing his as we’d done so many times. I changed into pyjamas and slid under the covers. The television downstairs was noisy, but I blanked it out. Wrapping my arms around my pillow, I cuddled it close. Pressing my face into it, I imagined I was pressed against Luke as my tears soaked into the soft material.

I knew I couldn’t be with him but just to have him back as my friend would be enough. This hole in me wasn’t healing, no matter how much time passed, and that thought terrified me.

Eight

Zack was deep in a dream when I awoke the next morning, his features serene, completely opposed to what I’d witnessed last night. I loved to watch his face while he slept. It had been a habit since day one, but today, I felt sad as I took him in. I knew his points were valid; I got his worries, but he didn’t see Cassie’s heart breaking the way that I did.

I wrapped an arm around him and laid my head against his chest, listening to his heart thump as he slept. His skin smelled clean and warm, very inviting. In spite of my thoughts, I began to press soft kisses around his collar bone and up to his neck. I wanted to make up and not start the day on a bad note.

He stretched and his arms instantly sought me out. “It’s good to wake up with you again. I didn’t like waking up alone.”

I wriggled up his body and felt his response as I pressed my lips to his. “I’m sorry about last night.”

“Me too.” He pulled me close as he kissed me deeper. “Tell me more about the work thing, that sounded like good news.”

“Are you serious?” I grinned at him. “Get me all involved in your nakedness and then want to talk about work?”

“You’re not that far off naked yourself,” he teased as he pulled at my light pyjamas.

“Well, I missed you pretty bad, I mean… Those phone calls were nice but not quite up to the real deal.” I ran my fingers through his hair and continued to kiss his neck. “And you did buy me this beautiful ring - gives me ideas about you every time I look at it.”

He took hold of my hands. “Stop trying to distract me and tell me about work.”

I sighed and rolled to the side of him. “You know, there was a time you were desperate to get me like this.”

“I’ll deal with you in five minutes, I just want to know about how amazing my fiancée is doing at work.” He wrapped his arms around me, his hand rubbed in slow circles across my bottom as he spoke. “The quicker you tell me, the quicker my hands move.”

I sucked a deep breath in. “It’s top secret, you get that, yeah?”

“You remember what my job is?”

I slapped him across the arm, playfully. “You’ve heard of Kye Maloney?”

“Is that a serious question? Top goal scorer last season.”

“Sorry, football geek.” I wriggled up, forcing his hand lower. “He didn’t know he’d got someone pregnant, then court papers landed on his doorstep about child maintenance, and she wants a lot. They’re trying to get it kept out of the press, but Peter doesn’t think they will.” I teased my fingers along his hip.

He grabbed my hand and kissed the tip of my nose. “Rest of the story. Control yourself, woman.”

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