Page 1 of Lily, Unwritten

One

Why had it seemed a good idea to come to the zoo on the hottest day of the year, slap bang in the middle of the school holidays? My nerves were frayed from making sure Ruby and Emilia didn’t get lost or dangle over the Black Bear enclosure. Hundreds of people milled around, as if without a care in the world, oblivious to being completely in the way. I felt a little irrational, my arms and legs unable to keep still between the cloying heat and my anxiety. Being responsible for two children for a full weekend was far more stressful than anyone had warned me. Cassie was far from a helicopter parent, but she seemed to take all of this in her stride.

I smiled with relief as I spotted Zack making his way over, three ice-cream cones balanced in his hands, rivulets of melting flavours already dripping down the sides. I had no idea how he looked so composed - I was a red, freckly, sweaty mess, yet Zack didn’t even have one dark hair out of place. The girls ran to get their treats and I pointed them towards a shady patch under a large tree. Thank god I’d remembered sunscreen, it was as though the summer knew how stressed I was and wanted to add to it with August temperatures in excess of thirty degrees.

Zack took a seat on a wooden bench carved with beautiful animal figures, about a meter away from where the girls played. The two of them were caught up in comparison of whose ice cream was the biggest and which sprinkles were superior. He patted the seat next to him and I lowered myself down with a weary sigh. The wood blistered with heat on the bare skin below my shorts.

He held his ice cream out with a grin. “Want a lick?”

I surveyed it, and him, with caution. “What flavour is it?”

“Cookies and cream on top, salted caramel underneath. You can even have my flake if you like?”

The flake had begun to wilt, the intensity of the sun taking no prisoners. Nausea rolled over me. “You have it. Unless they have a wine stand hidden around here, I’m fine.” My eyes darted back to the girls to make sure they hadn’t moved.

Zack took my hand in his. “They’re safe, they’re having a great time. Everyone is having a great time. Please relax.” He shrugged as he slurped at the ice cream, and for the first time, I found it irritating rather than endearing.

“I just want to keep them safe, it’s more stressful when they’re someone else’s children. More pressure.” I tried to explain.

“Interesting.” Zack ran a cold finger down my arm. “So, if one day we come back here with our children, you might relax?”

Ruby and Emilia now had their arms linked together, like a couple with champagne at a wedding as they tasted each other’s melting treats. They had matching bouncy curls, and I could see sticky ice cream caught in the ends. I couldn’t help but grin at them, but I think Zack thought the gesture was aimed at him. I may have been doing a good job of pretending all was fine, but inside I felt far from it.

It had only been three weeks since it happened. Three weeks since the email from Luke. In fact, tomorrow at about eleven forty in the morning, that would be exactly three weeks since he stepped away from my life. My eyes betrayed me with tears even as I thought about it. Thank god for Ray Bans hey, Lily?

It was two weeks since I’d gone to Cassie’s to collect my things, then hidden the Gucci shoe box at the back of my wardrobe. I’d sworn to myself that day that I wouldn’t hurt Zack anymore. Day by day I’d been teaching myself to put all the events that had happened into a back room in my brain, a place I didn’t have to visit often. That way it didn’t have to be a sharp, immobilising pain, more of a dull ache and sting that plagued me when I least expected. I could barely think Luke’s name, it almost didn’t feel real already.

“Lily?” Zack watched me.

“Sorry! I was in a daydream. Just wondering if we would have girls or boys.” It sickened me how I lied with ease. I didn’t used to be dishonest. But I was doing it for him, that’s what I told myself. If I kept carrying on like everything was fine, it would be.

Zack pulled me close and kissed the top of my head. “Did I tell you how much I love the zoo?” His animated smile reminded me of an excited schoolboy on a class trip.

“I think everyone here knows how much you love the zoo, Zachary…” I let his name play out on my lips longer than necessary as I slid my sunglasses up into my hair, and his deep, intense eyes met mine. I’d always loved the fact our eyes were almost the exact same shade of deep, chocolate brown. “You’ve been running around faster than the kids.”

He whispered into my ear as I continued to watch the girls. “You know how it makes me feel when I get the full title.”

“I don’t know what you mean.” I leant forwards on the bench and ran my hands up the salty heat on the back of my neck, up into my dark ponytail, damp with sweat against my skin.

“What time do they go to bed again?” asked Zack as he motioned towards the girls with a smile.

I stood up, my hand gently pressing his knee in a squeeze. “Come on, they want to see the sea lion show.”

After being fleeced at the gift shop, we headed home and ate pasta in the leafy shade of the back garden. Bedtime was thankfully brief; the girls were exhausted from the long day and the heat. Zack and I sank into the huge U-shaped sofa that dominated Cassie’s expensive but homey living room. Two tall fans whirred, the cold air they blasted at us a welcome relief. The August evening grew stickier and clammier by the minute.

“I love them, but they’re exhausting.” said Zack as his eyes closed with a flicker of thick eyelashes.

“They definitely are.” I agreed as I sipped the cold, sharp wine. Cassie had told us to take whatever we wanted from the wine fridge- my life needed a wine fridge. I made a mental note that if Zack and I ever moved, it was a must have.

“They’re asleep now, though. It’s just you and me in this incredible house. What could possibly go wrong?” Zack turned his face towards me, his eyes intense as they focused on mine.

When Zack looked at me that way it set off feelings and sensations that I wasn’t ready for. My body always reacted to him, but my mind was a little more guarded. I thought back - it was approaching four weeks since we’d had sex, which was unheard of for us. Four nights was pretty much unheard of to be fair, until now. The distance hung between us like a block.

Zack and I had been ‘on a break’, then I was with Luke. I hadn’t been ready for intimacy since returning home. My body remembered that Luke was the last person who kissed it, touched it, loved it. It scared me to let Zack overwrite that. It seemed too final; I wasn’t ready for Luke’s touch to leave me… But maybe now had to be the time? How else could I make a go of things?

Zack had broached the subject a couple of nights back and I’d clammed up. It was typical of him to be patient and understanding, to put me first and wait until I was ready, but perhaps that meant we ignored the problem. Luke wouldn’t have done that; Luke would have just grabbed me and —

“Lily?”

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