Page 68 of For the Love of Lily

“I love you too,” I smiled as he ended the call, and snuggled down into the sumptuous covers, feeling at peace.

Twenty Two

I stretched and yawned, reaching for my phone immediately. Almost lunchtime again. This was becoming a habit. I smiled as I noticed a message from Zack.

Morning xx Wanted to say I hope you slept well, and last night meant so much to me. Not just for the obvious… to hear from you unexpectedly and to have you sounding like the Lily I first met, (and to not be shouting at each other!) Have a good day today, I love you xxx

I felt warm inside as I sat up against the multiple pillows that I’d moulded into a cocoon around me as I slept.

Hope you don’t think I’ve been ignoring you, just woke up, must’ve needed more sleep than I realised. I feel the same about last night. I’ll be in touch soon, I promise. I love you too xxx

My stomach rumbled like thunder, warning me it was ravenous and potentially a little hungover. I quickly threw on black jeans and a stripy, cropped t-shirt. I felt on a high from the lovely moments with Zack but sensed it’d all come crashing down soon enough. It was as if my brain had a roulette wheel in it, which spun constantly; the noise of it drained me as I waited to see if it would land on Luke or Zack, Luke or Zack. It never did land though, it kept spinning and spinning and spinning, keeping me in an endless guessing game.

I strolled into the garden, ready to head into Cassie’s house and make breakfast. She was already outside, hanging gorgeous, tiny dresses on the washing line.

“Thought you were never getting up!” she grinned. “Did you go out last night? What happened to staying away from them both?”

“I went out on my own, had a couple of drinks, kicked a guy, the norm,” I shrugged.

“Lily, you’d never have gone out on your own, that’s definitely not the norm.”

“Everyone changes,” I replied.

“They certainly do,” she sighed, and I noticed her glance down at her flat stomach. “Hang on, you kicked someone?”

“In Gucci shoes even!” I grinned. “Is it OK to grab breakfast?” I motioned towards her house.

“Sure, I’ve already had lunch, but go for it. I’m picking the kids up in half an hour, want to do baking with them?”

“Definitely!” I smiled. “It’s been ages, I’ll be out of practise.”

Two hours later, my belly and heart full, I surveyed the destruction in Cassie’s top-end kitchen. Flour all over the worktops, eggshells on the floor, melted chocolate dripping over the hob… and two gorgeous cherub faces grinning up at me. “You two are the best cake makers in the world!” I smiled.

“Come with me and get cleaned up,” shouted Cassie. “While Lily cleans the kitchen.”

The smells from the oven were amazing as I cleaned up. I’d been too busy to bake lately, I missed it. Every Monday without fail, I used to take treats into Draper & Hughes. The new office was so big though, and it felt weird, I hadn’t often bothered. Plus, in all likelihood, Zack would eat the lot on Sunday night anyway. He had a metabolism I would kill for.

Another random memory flicked into my mind, baking brownies for Luke’s birthday whilst we drank champagne. Something had set us off laughing, and we’d been rolling round the floor, half drunk and completely childish. The brownies burned, but we ate them anyway, ended up on a sugar high. Thinking back about that night, it was a little hazy. I had woken up with my lips stuck to Luke’s neck, all dry from being like that while I slept. I apologised for the dribble on him, and we never mentioned it, but had I tried to kiss him? I hadn’t ever wondered until now.

The four of us sat in the garden, eating cakes still warm and gooey. Ruby and Emilia chased each other with sticky fingers, and although Cassie smiled and laughed along, I could see she still had sadness in her.

“Do you want a boy?” I asked, flicking chocolatey crumbs off my top and onto the grass.

“I wouldn’t mind, you know, either way. I never thought I was done. It could be a girl or a boy, and I’d be over the moon. Just to have a chance would be nice.”

“Why don’t you and Guy go away for a break? Book something. I’ll look after the girls with… someone.” I pulled a silly face. “The two of you can relax and decide what you want to do. Have some space, I’ve heard it works wonders.”

“That would be incredible. Are you sure? I know you have enough stuff going on?” Her whole demeanour lifted.

“Positive. Just leave the wine fridge full.”

“Are you any closer to a decision?” she asked.

“No. Spoke to Zack for ages last night. I feel like I want to go home to him. But the price for that is not seeing Luke again. The thought of that tears me up inside.”

“You can’t have it all though, nobody can. If you chose Luke and brought your life back here, would you forget Zack?”

I shook my head. “No. The two of us have something special.” I knew that as problems go, this was insignificant. There were people dealing with illness and debt and grief. There was no magic, happy outcome. “Someone told me that Zack was the safe choice. I think they might have a point. I edge towards choosing Luke all the time, but I’m scared. I know Zack and I work. I want to be safe. But then… who makes me feel safer than Luke?”

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