Page 11 of For the Love of Lily

My trust issues and anxieties seemed to lessen when I was with Zack. All the barriers and shields that had built up around me made way for him. He was still insistent we stick to the slow rule. We uncovered new elements of each other, causing me to be saturated with desire. Our bedtime video calls would undoubtedly get steamy, and so night after night my own hands and mind ran riot with fantasies. Situations where he was not a gentleman and slow wasn’t in his vocabulary, well, not in that way at least. I was desperate to feel his presence on me, and it seemed like my body was permanently on the verge of overheating.

Explaining all of this to Cassie over sandwiches on my lunchbreak, I struggled with my blushes.

“Lily,” she looked at me, a glimmer in her eye. “I know it’s been a while for you, but all of those signs are textbook, you know?”

“Textbook what?” I asked, genuinely confused.

“Textbook falling in love, you idiot!”

“What the… Cassie, I know you want to buy a hat and marry me off, but it’s been three weeks. I am not in love with him,” I exclaimed.

“No,” she said. “You’re in the process of falling in love, and that’s the best, most delicious, amazing bit, so you should enjoy every second of it.”

I took a half-hearted bite of my tuna sandwich to save responding. Cassie simply smiled, “No appetite? Textbook!”

“Shush!” I threw a crisp at her.

“How many times in, say, an hour, do you think about him?” Cassie asked with a glint in her eye.

“Cassie,” I sighed. “You’re right, OK, you’re right. It’s too soon, though, and I’m majorly stressing. I think about him all the time; I can’t concentrate on anything. When I’m at home, I look through photographs of us all the bloody time. Every time we touch it’s as though all the breath is sucked out of me. I get so many hot flushes I could be menopausal, and my poor heart is going to be worn out with the palpitations. Sometimes when he speaks to me, I stand there like an idiot because I can’t think of words, like I’m lost in his presence. I’m getting carried away, and I don’t trust myself.”

Cassie put an arm around me and squeezed me towards her. “Have a little faith in yourself, stop overthinking, and just let it be. It sounds pretty damn amazing to me. It’s a long time since I went through that. I’m ridiculously happy for you.”

“I don’t know if it’s the same for him though, Cass.”

“Pretty sure it is!” she grinned as she reached for her phone.

“What do you mean? Have you spoken to him?” I frowned at her.

“He had my number from when I set up the coffee shop meet. I might’ve messaged him since…” Cassie chewed her lip and focused on her phone.

“What did you say to him? I can’t believe you did that!” I prayed she hadn’t said anything to humiliate me.

“It was after you had spent the whole weekend with him, pretty good going for a first date that by the way, ‘Mrs I Don’t Want A Boyfriend’! I just said thank you to him for meeting up. I know it was a bit weird the way I set it up. And that I was made up to see you couldn’t stop smiling.”

I frowned at her. “And he said?”

“Well, I don’t know if he’d want me to tell you.” I glared at her, and she sighed before getting her phone out of her bag to read me the message. “He said, ‘I can’t stop smiling either. She’s amazing’.”

I smiled and bit my lip, thinking again how it was crazy that this was all happening. The little voices telling me to not risk it, to not trust myself, were being driven away at speed.

“I sort of then suggested you two should come round for dinner one night.” Cassie gazed intently at the clouds, I was sure to save having to meet my eyes.

“Why would you do that?”

“Come on, Lily, you know I always wanted to do the double dating thing. From a purely selfish point of view, what that arsehole did to you, it ruined all my plans! I wanted us to be each other’s bridesmaids, plan each other’s baby showers, take our toddlers to play group together. We ended up out of sync, though.” She screwed her face up a little. “Sometimes feels like you and Luke get all the fun.”

“I’m not sure Luke thinks that way, sure he’s sick of being consulted on which handbag I should buy.” I smiled at my beautiful friend. “I didn’t know you felt like that, Cassie. You know what, dinner at yours sounds perfect. I’d love you and Guy to meet Zack.”

“Leave it all to me! I’ll message him now. I like messaging your boyfriend, he sends me kisses,” she grinned cheekily.

“I’m not sure he’s my boyfriend yet.”

“I am.” Cassie squeezed me into a tight hug before I headed back to work.

That Saturday evening, I waited at the train station. I’d got there too early with my impatience. I wore yet another painstakingly chosen outfit, this time involving black skinny jeans, which I knew made my bum look amazing, along with a plunge-neck black top. I was determined to evoke a reaction from Zack tonight.

It seemed to work. As he stepped off the train, his eyes grazed over me with a slow longing. I reached for his hand as he neared me. I was caught off guard as he pulled me into a tight embrace.

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