Page 67 of Disciplining Dana

She drew in a sharp gulp of air. “Kurt… this…” She let her breath out slowly, calming her tone. “This is childish.”

“I don’t care. Do it.”

Beneath his hand her body tensed, a coiled spring tremoring for release.

“Why are you…” Her jaw went rigid, the muscles at the sides of her neck thumping lightly to the pulse of heartbeat. “I don’t understand what you think this will accomplish.”

“Just do it, Dana.”

And she did.

As she bowed her upper body toward the wall, Kurt released her shoulder, standing back upright. In silence he watched as Dana carefully braced a hand against the wall, slowly tilting her head forward until her nose slipped into the vee of the corner, lightly pressed into the rich luster of the wood paneling. She stopped, holding herself still, her entire body now a tremoring tripwire taut at the brink of exploding. Kurt waited for her to pull back, to get up in a fury and hurl invective at him, storm from the room. But she didn’t. Instead, she remained positioned as he’d demanded, the only motion a tiny shaking at her shoulders.

There was no backing down now. She’d obeyed, and to not continue with what he’d started now would be the worst thing he could do.

“Do you know why you’re here, Dana?”

She didn’t answer.

“You’re here,” he continued, “because every time you make the decision to do what you want instead of what we’ve agreed to, I want you to remember this.”

He watched for her response, any acknowledgement of what he’d just said. Whether it was to spite him or because she truly had nothing to say, she remained motionless except for the continued trembling of her shoulders.

“I want to be clear about this; not everything you do requires my permission or a discussion beforehand. I’ve never asked that of you, and I never would. But you’re smart, and so I know—I know—you’re aware of what types of situations we’d need to have a conversation about before you went off and did them. And even with those things, you’ll always have a choice to either obey or defy me. The only difference will be that from here on out, there’ll be consequences for those times you choose to turn your back on what we’ve compromised. Spanking you, whipping you, flogging you… those can’t be punishments because they’re too wrapped up in the fun, kinky things you and I have enjoyed as part of our dynamic together. But this?—”

And he saw it. The wet tracks that glistened down each cheek. He took a step, then forced himself with clenched hands not to take another. Doing this, putting her in this position, speaking to her this way was way harder than he’d expected, but this… seeing her cry…

You need to be as strong as she’s going to be. If you can’t do that, then you might as well not do anything at all.

Derek’s voice pounded in his ears. You owe that as much to her as yourself.

Kurt drew a deep breath, then continued with where he’d left off. “This isn’t kinky, Dana. There’s absolutely nothing I find pleasurable about this. This is discipline. This is punishment for making me… so goddamn scared. Of what could’ve happened to you. Of what I might lose if something terrible were to take place. From this point forward, if you choose to do what you want over my wishes, if you break the bond of trust that you and I need to have where it concerns our relationship together, then I will discipline you. And the punishment you receive will be because of the choices you make.”

Dana’s shoulders shook gently now, not the slight tremble from earlier. Her cheeks glossed with wetness, still she said nothing, instead staying exactly where he’d commanded. Her silence felt part defiance, but he hoped it was more than simply that. He’d told her she needed discipline, and he suspected at some level she wanted it. Now, though, as he followed through on his decision, his conviction threatened to falter, because there was no part of Dana that looked satisfied, pleased, or happy.

She just looked miserable.

And yet still she remained.

“I know,” Kurt pressed on, “I should’ve made it clear sooner how I felt about what you were doing. But I also know you knew how angry and upset I was. But you aren’t to blame here. Where I failed you, Dana, was not setting boundaries. For letting things slide time and time again, because I thought I could keep dealing with it, or that this would be the last time it happened. That’s all on me, and you have every right to be furious I let it get to this point.”

He waited for her to speak, to give him any indication of what she was thinking behind the quaking of her body and the tears that flowed. But she denied him that solace, and there was a growing recognition this wasn’t only punishment for her, but for him, too.

Well, what did you expect?

He couldn’t answer that, because this wasn’t something he and Derek had discussed, nor anything he’d anticipated. The intention was to discipline her, but the reality was his continuing with this was a form of self-flagellation itself.

One minute became five, and Derek’s admonition not to let this first punishment go on too long pulled him from his reverie. Kurt reached down to lightly touch Dana’s shuddering shoulder.

“Okay, that’s enough,” he said quietly and pulled her back gently. She came away from the corner, tilting her head back and closing her eyes for a moment.

“Are we done?” she choked out the question softly.

“Yes.”

She opened her eyes, turning her face up to him.

Gazing down into the two dark liquid pools staring back, he said, “I hope someday you’ll understand why I did this, and how desperately I hope I didn’t fuck things up.”

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