Page 55 of Disciplining Dana

Now the anxiety which had veered to affront bloomed into confusion. Today wasn’t the first time she’d wondered if Kurt was falling in love with her, if only because it was a natural thing to consider given how long they’d been together. It was also a question that had been hovering in the back of her own mind about him. But for him to state unequivocally he couldn’t be in love with her because she made that impossible…

Impossible? Bullshit!

Except… was it?

She shook off the thought as Kurt spoke.

“The relationship we do have—the one I remember from Norway and a hundred other moments and places and times—that’s what this is about. I can’t keep holding on to the good parts of all those memories when all I can think about is losing the thousand more we haven’t had yet because you won’t be there to have them. You’ll be gone, and all I’ll ever be able to think about is I didn’t do enough to prevent it from happening.”

“Don’t you think that’s a little dramatic?”

He gave a slight shrug. “Maybe. Doesn’t stop it from being true, though. I told you yesterday I can’t keep doing this, finding you’ve gone off and done something you shouldn’t have because you’re so goddamn convinced of your invulnerability. That you’re always gonna come out on top in the end, even if you get hurt in the process.”

“Because I always have,” she insisted passionately.

“Have. That’s the key word right there. But what happens, Dana, when ‘have’ becomes ‘didn’t’? Because that’s all I can keep thinking about.”

“I thought you trusted me?”

“Oh my God…” He shook his head slowly. “When I was a kid and got my learner’s permit, I told my dad I wanted to drive all by myself. He told me no and I said the exact same thing you just did—‘I thought you trusted me’. I’m gonna tell you what he told me: it’s not you I don’t trust. It’s everything and everyone else around you that you have no control over I don’t. Like the edge of a mineshaft caving in, or hundred-year-old crumbled timbering.”

For a minute they both sat as the wind that shushshushshushed through the pine boughs tried to offer peace where there was none.

“This is so not fair to do to me,” she blurted out, and as soon as the words came, she wanted to bite them back. It was too late, though. She knew exactly how he was going to respond, and worse, she knew he wouldn’t be wrong.

“So not fair to you, Dana? What about me? Is this situation fair to me? Is it fair to keep leaving me in limbo after every incident wondering if maybe next time won’t be the last?”

“So, what, is this it between us? Is that what you’re trying to tell me?”

“No!” he shot back in exasperation. “I’m not saying that in the way you’re trying to make it sound.”

“Then what is it, Kurt? What is it?”

“I… I want to try something, if you’re willing.”

“And what would that be?” He was doing it again, trying to protect her from something he feared she wasn’t going to like. The thing was, though, this time he might be right. The direction this conversation was going made her… uneasy. Uncomfortable. Anxious.

Worried in a way she wasn’t sure she was ready to confront.

He twisted, leaning forward. “I want you to come to a compromise with me on some simple rules. And, if you fail to adhere to those rules, I want you to agree to allow me to discipline you.”

Dana blinked her eyes. “Are you… are you being serious right now?”

“I am.”

She slumped back against the bench. “Ooookaaay… so what the hell does any of that mean?” she asked, spreading her hands.

“To be honest, I’m still working that part out. I’m not exactly sure what it’s going to fully entail, but…”

“But?”

“I need your buy-in. Your agreement to at least try.”

“Try… what?” she asked, failing to hide her irritation this time. “Again, this is so not fair. How can you expect me to agree to something when all you’ve given me is a vague request to go off of!”

“I know,” he conceded, his shoulders slumping a little. “I understand where you’re coming from. I need to work this out, but it’s pointless to try if your answer will be no, no matter what I say.”

“Jesus, Kurt. I don’t think I deserve that. I’ve always listened to you.”

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