Page 28 of The Billionaire Benefactor

“Unexpected. That’s the thing, though—God does unexpected things. He doesn’t play by our rules or fit into the neat boxes we like.”

“That doesn’t mean I should date Roman. I mean, if he asks.”

“No thinking. Gut reaction only. Would you say yes if he asked?”

“Yes.” The word was out before Jenny could think. And it made her teary again. “But I shouldn’t, right? I mean, I can’t. It’s too soon. I even looked it up. Everyone said something different and basically the ‘right’ answer is whatever you feel comfortable with. But the most common recommendation is to wait six months to a year.”

“Do you feel guilty?”

“I feel guilty about almost everything I do. Ordering a pizza. Laughing at a stupid viral puppy video. Singing in church. Wishing Roman would call. I even feel guilty that I don’t feel guiltier. It’s like my guilt has guilt.”

“I’m so sorry, sweetie. I know it doesn’t help to say you shouldn’t feel that way, but you shouldn’t. You have to navigate your grief on your own terms. Most of all, though, you have to live. I think one thing that would help is to tell your parents about Hank. The whole story. You shouldn’t be carrying that alone.”

Jenny made a face. “I feel like I’m dishonoring him. And he’s not here to defend himself.”

“It’s not like you’re slandering him. He made choices and you would be simply stating facts about them. He cheated and left you for his mistress. You were about to start divorce proceedings. Facts. Just facts.”

“Even the facts are so hard for me to admit. His reputation aside, I feel like every time I say it, I’m humiliated all over again. I start to feel like I wasn’t enough—”

Denise didn’t just grab her hand this time, but pulled her into a tight hug. “Ow. Okay, maybe I didn’t think this hug through. But you need to know that you are enough. It was never about that and you cannot think that. Your value doesn’t come from how well Hank loved you. It comes from God. You are precious to him. What Hank did was about him and it’s on him. So shut up. And I think my milk just let down. I’m sorry.”

Jenny laughed through her tears as Denise let her go and then pulled her shirt away from her chest, fanning it. Her phone started to buzz and she checked her texts. “It’s like my body knew! I’ve got to go. Chad says Levi’s screaming and he’s tried everything. I’m sorry, Jen.”

“It’s fine! Go! Levi takes precedence. I’ll come by this week sometime. I need to hold him again. Totally makes me want another.”

As soon as she said the words, it was like a weight crushed into her ribcage. She tried to keep a normal expression on her face so that Denise wouldn’t feel bad leaving her, but as soon as the door shut, she slid down it until her butt hit the floor. She pressed her fist into her mouth to try to push back the sobs.

Until she said the words, she didn’t realize how much she did want another. She and Hank had stopped after Lucy because they had always agreed on two. Hank was hardly ever around anyway, so the idea of more children was a desire Jenny tucked away and ignored. No—more than that. She had written it off as an impossibility. It felt selfish somehow to think about having another child or even consider it in this moment.

Jenny wished that she could just skip forward in time to move past the raw pain and the sense of guilt that threatened to crush her beneath its weight.

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