Page 43 of Broken Bonds

“It’s about the hive.” Lionel wasn’t interested in the bees, the only thing he cared about was how much money it made.

“How many damn bees did you kill?”

“None, everything is fine, that’s why I want to talk about expanding the business, maybe trying some new things.” Beneath my fingers I could feel his muscles tense, so I put more pressure, trying to stay on track. “You see, a lot of the time I have problems with the weather and other things which makes it hard for me to sell, so I think it would be good for me not to have all my eggs in one basket, you know, I could go to school and learn…”

He moved so fast I couldn’t stop him, the massage, the dinner, and all the other preparations had been in vain, Lionel was furious, his face made it clear to me.

“What are you saying?” he asked with a frown, his brown eyes burning with fury. “Why do you want to study and all that crap? Why do you want to waste your time in such a stupid way?”

I looked at him with my mouth open. My plans were solid and I trusted that it was more than an expense, it was an investment for our future. For our future, together.

“Lionel, we’ve talked about your plans to buy the vineyard and all that. Now I want to tell you about my plans and the future of my business.”

I didn’t think it was possible but his brow furrowed even more, at the same time he pressed his mouth into a thin line. Troy was about to burn because I, too, was ready to go to war. Giving up wasn’t part of my plan, not when something as important as my heart’s desires were at stake.

“What plans for the future?” he asked me as he got up from the sofa. “How are you going to take care of the house, our kids, and run a business?”

There goes another one of his obsessions, getting me pregnant as fast as possible. He had told me how sad his childhood was, growing up in an orphanage, so he dreamed of starting a family, and the sooner the better.

“I’m not pregnant yet, Lionel,” I said quietly, trying to calm my already heated emotions. “Why not wait a little longer? I’m sure that everything will go as planned, and we’ll be more comfortable. I will be able to help you pay for the vineyard’s improvements and all that.”

With his hands on his waist, he let me know that although my arguments were solid, Mr. Kral was unwilling to give up ground. Well, me neither.

“What happens when it doesn’t work out?” he yelled. “Tell me, what are we going to do then? We would have wasted valuable time.”

Yes, there was always that possibility, but the truth was I had faith in my dream. It wasn’t going to be easy, but I would make it.

“I made a few notes,” I told him before picking up a notepad that I had appropriately placed on the side of the television. “Look, here’s everything.”

My notes must not have seemed meaningful because without even looking at them, he ripped the notebook from my hands and threw it across the room.

“I’m not interested in any of this shit,” he snorted. “And I don’t want to hear another word about this nonsense about going to college and selling scented little bottles.”

“Lionel, but I just need…” I added as I hurriedly picked up my notebook, I had to get him to take a look at it. The plan was good, at least that’s what it seemed to me.

“You need to keep doing what I tell you,” he proclaimed. “The man is the head of the household, right? Isn’t that what they teach women in that church that your mom likes to go to so much?”

Yes, it is, but I clearly remembered my mother saying playfully—even in front of my father—that while the man is the head, the woman is the neck. And it’s the neck that moves the head.

My parents were religious, but they made a caring and loving couple. They got along incredibly well, never not once, did I hear them arguing the way Lionel and I do.

“Look, love, I want to go to school…” Another attempt, I had to make one more attempt. I was sure it would be worth it.

“Stella, you don’t need to go to college,” he said and I felt his words were full of contempt. At the time I was swallowing tears, but I would cry later. I would manage tears, after tasting the sweetness of triumph. “Look at me, see what I’ve accomplished without stepping into a classroom after finishing high school.”

Yes, yes, many people don’t have to go to school to succeed. Unfortunately, I wasn’t part of that group. Also, I wanted to have the experience.

“And you’ll go even further, I’m sure,” I said those words to him sincerely because they were true. “However, just as you have your dreams, I also have mine. Being a housewife is an amazing job, but I’m sure I will end up feeling very frustrated later in life unless I do this for myself.”

He took what I said like I was purposely insulting him. I could almost see smoke coming out of his ears.

Fuck.

“Forgive me.” I know those words may sound conciliatory to many, but at the time it was like a bomb. “Forgive me for wanting to have children with you, for wanting to protect you, and give you everything without you having to lift a finger. Forgive me for wanting to protect you and provide for you.”

I closed my eyes feeling really frustrated, he misinterpreted my entire speech. For me, all his efforts were important. I was very grateful to him for striving to forge a future for us because he always spoke of these great plans not only for himself, but also for the family he dreamed of building with me. So my dedication to keeping the house as he liked, having everything clean, and tidy, I knew that made him happy. Feeling pampered comforted his soul and loving him as I did, also filled me with happiness.

And yet it wasn’t enough.

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