Page 33 of Broken Bonds

“Lionel…” I start to say. “Fool me once, shame on you, but fool me twice, shame on me.”

“Stella, forgive me, please…” He approaches me, I can feel the strength of his body in front of mine. “We both need this, Hvezda.”

“What I need right now is a hot shower,” I tell him, my voice louder than I expected.

Yes, I’m an ostrich, so what? I need more time before I go to bed with him.

This night is going to be a very long one.

???

I have no idea how much time I’ve spent in the shower warm rain. Now, not even my favorite soap aroma—the honey with lavender blend—comforts me. I’m troubled, and so confused. I should follow Valerie’s advice and get a tarot card, chopsticks, or tea reading. Maybe it would give me a clue as to what to do next.

When I open the door to the room, I find it in darkness, only dimly lit by the moonlight coming through the large windows. Lionel is laying on his side with his back to me, the wall of pillows he promised to build in the middle of the bed.

The Mississippi.

He’s giving me what I asked for, and it feels horrible.

We’re sharing the same space, the same bed, but the distance between us is insurmountable. I’ve repeated the reasons in my mind over and over again; however, it doesn’t make me feel any better.

I walk slowly on the wooden floor, my hands tracing the molding on the walls, leading me to the window. I drop into the chair and look at the night sky, searching for the North Star, like the sailors used, to guide me home. My father always said home is not a place, it’s a person. My person isn’t here, that person is hidden behind a forest of shadows and deception, and there are no breadcrumbs on the ground to guide me back.

I’m walking alone, fighting a battle against invisible demons. Because I also don’t know who is by my side.

I fell in love with one man who later became another after we got married, and now another totally different man is laying on that bed. It baffles me how the same person can have so many faces. It’s like meeting a new person who has already been with you, who you swore to honor.

I don’t want to wither away, I want to grow and flourish. And this Lionel somehow, with his small gestures is letting me know he cares, and makes me feel warm inside.

The last few day’s fatigue is taking its toll on me. I’m about to cramp my neck, dozing off in this chair. The best thing is to go to bed and see if I can get a good night’s sleep for the first time in a while.

Boy, do I need it.

I’m in the bed, under the soft sheets, when I hear Lionel mumbling.

“We are the same…” he whispers. “I’m him and he’s me… A mirror. A reflection.”

What does that mean?

“Why?” he starts to raise his voice. “Why?”

Is he dreaming of the attack?

“I’ll trade my life for yours.”

What the fuck is he talking about?

“I didn’t know… I didn’t know.” What is he saying? Didn’t know what?

I approach him carefully, crawling on the bed until my hand touches his back and he leans in, seeking for my touch.

“Lionel, everything is okay,” I say quietly. I’m doing the same thing I did in the hospital, trying to comfort him, although I’m not sure he’s listening. “You’re at home, love. You’re safe at home.”

My hands travel down his shoulder to his back and through his hair, trying to ease the tension I find there. Pushing away the ghost torturing him.

He says nothing more, sighs, and lets himself be carried away by the sands of sleep, losing himself in them.

I crossed the bridge shortening the distance between us, at least for tonight. I lay down behind him, my chest touching his back as I wrap my arms around him.

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