Page 45 of Beyond our Forever

It’s not that my clothes are too big for me, I feel like saying. It’s that my whole life no longer fits me.

“This one, this one,” she suddenly cries, yanking out an emerald green gown, almost breaking the hanger. “This is really cute, Mommy.”

I’d forgotten I even had it, I think my mother gave it to me last Christmas. Back then it seemed too provocative, but now, thinking about it, it seems perfect.

Let’s see how it looks on me.

As I take a shower and blow-dry my hair, Ava continues to chatter like a little parrot.

“If you kiss on your love date, is daddy going to come back home with us?”

Her question, although innocent, rendered me powerless. I know they miss him, we all do, I just wish it was that simple. I wish everything was solved with a kiss.

A kiss.

How long has it been since there was one of those?

How long since a kiss made the earth shake and time stand still?

How long since a simple touch gave me goose bumps and left me craving more?

How long?

“Red lipstick!” My daughter has found the lipstick from the mysterious fancier. “I like this one. Put this color on, Mommy.”

I’m drawn to the color, a lot.

But something stops me. How can I go out with my husband wearing a lipstick that another man gave me? Even though I don’t know who he is, I would feel like a traitor, one of the worst kind.

It is tempting, yes. But I just can’t.

“Green dress with red lips,” I say to my daughter in a playful tone. “Don’t you think I’m getting ahead of Christmas?”

She laughs and I go to tickle her. My precious girl, with the same almost black hair and my hazel eyes. With that pretty tiny nose and her sweet little mouth. She’s my little doll, my little partner in crime.

“Can I try it?” she asks, her eyes sparkling. My, she’s growing up so fast.

The good news is that her father bought a double-barreled shotgun the same day the doctor announced we were expecting a girl, and her brothers are being trained to scare away any male who dares to approach her.

I look at her, remembering that day as if it were yesterday. My husband’s happy face, until he realized he’d never have a quiet life again.

“Let’s just hope she looks like me,” he’d growled, and when I’d asked him why, he’d replied, “Because if she turns out as gorgeous as you, I’m going to end up in jail for killing the first bastard who comes near her.”

He pretended to be annoyed when I just laughed, but really we were both overflowing with happiness at the new addition to the family. We were excited about the idea of having a girl. Daddy’s girl, he said.

“Mommy,” says my little daughter now, returning me to the present. “Can you lend me the lipstick?”

I come to my senses before answering her.

“Better use this one, it’s your favorite,” I suggest, pulling a tube of bright pink glitter out of my makeup bag Ava loves. It smells like bubble gum and is quite garish.

I’m putting my shoes on when Noah’s voice reverberates through the house.

“Dad’s here!” What an uproar he makes.

“Daddy!” Ava squeals excitedly as she runs downstairs.

Before following her, I take one last look at myself in the mirror. The lantern sleeves of this outfit and the fitted waist suit me quite well, it seems that my mother finally bought me something to suit my taste and not hers. The color is flattering on me, it brings out my eye color.

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