Page 4 of Beyond our Forever

I greet him back, hoping that Noah—my other son—will do the same, but he’s more interested in the screen of his phone. I should know better by now, it’s the same thing every day. And let’s not even talk about him giving me a smile.

You know all this started when Bruce left. Because your son misses his father, they were always so close.

Upon arriving home, Aaron and Noah get out of the car bickering as always, each has their own views and they have yet to discover how to mediate between them. Today, both are desperate to get to the kitchen first and discover what food awaits them.

“Don’t they give you food at school?” I complain, although secretly I’m happy about their healthy appetites. “I think I’m seriously going to have to talk to the principal.”

They both laugh, replying that I really should, since lunch in the cafeteria leaves a lot to be desired and is nothing compared to the food prepared by mom.

I’m finishing clearing up the dishes after they’ve eaten when Aaron approaches me, surprising me with a kiss on the forehead. At thirteen he is already taller than me.

“I did notice,” he whispers. “You look really pretty, Mom.”

His comment fills my eyes with tears of joy, partly from surprise, partly because a nice comment from one who is my everything, my reason for living, makes me so happy.

After leaving everything clean and tidy in the kitchen, I go to the small cellar in the garage where I rummage in a large plastic box for some clothes that haven’t seen the light of day for many years, maybe since before Noah was born, and that has been over eleven years.

Time flies.

I must admit that I feel a little silly when I put on one of the items I found, a fairly simple ankle length summer dress with fine woven straps.

My heart shrivels when I look at myself in the mirror in my bedroom and I see the faint reflection of the girl I once was, full of hopes and dreams.

Full of desire to love and be loved, adored.

I see the shadow of the girl who got married to the man she was head over heels in love with, who thought she had achieved her long-awaited happiness.

The reality was different.

Happiness, like everything else, is ephemeral.

Perfection consumes you, traps you, dissolves you.

I’m still standing there like an idiot when I hear the front door open, followed by the yells of my children.

“Dad’s here.” That’s Noah.

I’ve never denied Bruce access to the house, but I always avoid him as much as possible. Why? Because it still hurts to see him even after all these months. Whether it’s because I’m heartbroken or because I know he’s always going to leave again, I don’t know. All I do know is that we bought this house to grow old in together, but now the only one left here is me. Maybe I should put it up for sale. That thought has crossed my mind several times, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to do it yet.

The commotion continues and, taking advantage of the fact that my kids are entertained, I keep on doing my own thing. Until Aaron’s footsteps stop at the entrance to my room.

“Mom,” he says. “Dad asked if you can come down for a moment.”

“Is something wrong?”

“I don’t know.” He shrugs in a gesture that is both like him and also reminds me of his father at the same time. “That’s all he said.”

I ask Aaron to give me a moment before I come down. I need to collect myself, build my defenses.

I don’t want Bruce to see through my walls, my eyes could easily give my feelings away. This is where the mask fails, what is in the soul is drawn in the eyes.

As I go down the stairs, I keep telling myself that I have to hold on, keep silent, reminding myself that I gave up my claim on him, so he can’t know that I’m still broken.

The opportunity to keep him escaped from me like trying to grasp the wind, now there is no point in yearning for things that cannot be. It’s too late.

I just need to find some inner strength, because something tells me that I’m going to need it.

Chapter 2

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