Page 60 of Beyond our Forever

“I don’t understand, Ilythia,” he whispered. “We’ve just got back from a really great family dinner, with our children, planning our next vacation.”

“There’s no point in fighting anymore, Bruce,” I sighed wearily. “I just can’t go on any longer. I got excited because I thought you were taking me for a wonderful romantic getaway. Just the two of us. But I was wrong. Silly me. Turns out romance was the last thing on your mind, you prefer a trip to Disneyland with the kids instead. Says it all.”

“I just assumed you’d love the idea of taking the kids with us to Paris, but I don’t want to fight either. Let’s talk about it, we can solve anything that’s bothering you.”

Bothering me?

He thought I was throwing him out of the house just because some minor inconvenience was bothering me?

That word was like throwing gasoline on the fire burning in my gut. However, I tried to contain myself as I did not want the children to hear us. I would talk to them later, when I’d had a chance to calm down.

“You just don’t see it, do you?” I said, more to myself than him.

Bruce looked at me, not knowing what to say, paralyzed as he stood there with the towel in his hand and drops of water running down his body.

“Of course you don’t,” I carried on. “Because you don’t realize anything is wrong, everything is just the same to you. You never see it, you never see me.”

My voice sounded dead, lifeless, exactly how I felt. I was a mess, my tear smudged mascara running down my cheeks.

“Ilythia…for God’s sake.” His voice sounded like a warning, but I didn’t care anymore, what did I have to lose since I’d already lost everything? “Think of our family.”

“Our family?” I yelled in frustration. “You dare tell me to think of our family? For years I’ve thought of nothing else. I’ve done nothing but give, give and give. To the point that I’ve been left empty, Bruce, because I’ve never received anything in return. Children are children, it’s not their fault. But you?”

I had to pause. I was getting so choked up, and he approached me, trying to hold my face in his hands, but I pushed him away. I didn’t want him touching me, I couldn’t bear it. “To you, I’ve become part of the furniture, part of this house, a structure that supports the glass of your beloved glass wall, something to keep everything in place and nothing more. You look at me without paying any attention. You don’t notice me, you don’t touch me, you don’t kiss me, you don’t make love to me. Bruce, you don’t love me anymore.”

“How can you say that?” he asked incredulously, his voice rising.

At that moment I was grateful that the children’s rooms were on the other side of the house, because now the shouting began and, until I got Bruce to leave, it wouldn’t stop.

“How dare you say I don’t love you, Ilythia! How dare you?”

“Because you forgot I exist,” I insisted angrily. “I’m just someone who takes care of the house and children for you, keeps everything running smoothly so you can carry on with your life with as little inconvenience as possible.”

“That’s not true! I’ve given you my whole life. I’ve done everything for you, for my children, for my family. What else do you want?”

Your love, your attention. Your devotion.

We weren’t going anywhere, just like our marriage.

“GET OUT!” I yelled. “I want you to leave, then at least I’ll know I’m alone. I can’t bear to have you here, sleeping next to me but never laying a finger on me.”

My universe was destroying itself, being consumed by the great black hole that had grown over the years, extinguished by the force of its gravity.

“Don’t be such a coward!” he argued back. “Don’t just give up, fight for what you want, don’t fuck around with me.”

Did he really think I’d never fought for us?

“But what is there left to fight for?” This was the whole point. “If I had even the slightest hope that there was something left to fight for, I would. But it’s been years, Bruce,this has been building for years.”

“Why did you never say anything? Why is this all happening so suddenly?”

“I admit that’s my mistake,” I said. “But I could also ask you the same thing. I could ask why you never looked at me, never paid enough attention to see I was running dry.”

“Maybe I was too busy bending over backwards to give you everything, to give my family everything.”

“Material things maybe. But you ended up giving me nothing, Bruce. Nothing that mattered, nothing really valuable. You didn’t give me anything of yourself, your attention, your love.”

“I don’t know how you can say that,” he replied indignantly. “But as you seem unwilling to listen to reason, where does that leave me now?”

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