Page 27 of Beyond our Forever

“I want a dog,” Ava announces as she gets into the car. “Mommy, can we go get one now?”

Where the hell did this idea come from? And shouldn’t she at least say I want a dog, please.

“Good afternoon, Missy, how was school today?”

Note that I have completely ignored the matter of the dog, although I am sure—very sure—my daughter will not let it go just like that.

“Well, Miss Wilson gave me two gold stars on my drawing assignment,” she says proudly. “Can we go buy my puppy, pleeeeeeeeeease?”

“Sweetie, having a dog is a great responsibility. You have to take care of it, feed it, teach it to go potty in the yard. There are so many things and I’m not sure we have the time.” Or the motivation, although I keep quiet about that.

“But I really want a puppy,” my girl digs in. “Sophie just got a Yorkie, it’s small and brown and really cute. She showed me the photos on her iPhone, and now I want one. And can I have a phone too?”

A six-year-old with a cell phone?

It’d be madness to give my daughter one of those little gadgets. Call me old-fashioned if you want, but that’s what I think. Well, I did decide to stay home to raise my children, so what did you expect?

When we pick up the boys, they both join the begging, conspiring with their sister to plead for a dog. Even Noah has taken off his headphones, the ones that seem to be glued to his ears lately, and is actually taking part in the conversation.

At least that seems promising.

If only they could reach an agreement. While my daughter insists she wants a small pet she can carry around almost like a doll, Noah and Aaron want a big dog, like a Golden Retriever, a Weimaraner, or something like that.

“You have to ask Dad,” says Noah. “He’ll know what we should get.”

“Doesn’t my opinion matter?” I interpose.

In the rearview mirror I see Aaron open his mouth to say something, but his brother is ahead of him: “Dad knows better.”

And with that the discussion is settled.

As always, my ideas get ignored, discarded to an unknown dimension.

Welcome to my world.

Luckily, tonight Bruce has decided not to come to dinner. I think our recent argument is still very raw, so he’s keeping his distance, using working late as an excuse. Of course he still called his children and all three have asked about getting a dog.

“What did your father say?” I ask Aaron as we all go upstairs, ready to start the nighttime routine.

“That he has to talk to you first,” Noah virtually snorts in disgust, it clearly didn’t sit well with him. Our separation has been hard for all of them, but he has been the one who vocalizes it the most. Perhaps it’s just the way he is, or because of how tight he is with his father.

We all miss Bruce, but life has to go on, so we have to adapt and learn to be happy, with or without him at home.

We aren’t made to survive, we are here to thrive!

Silence fills the home when all the lights have finally been turned off. I stay there, on the empty bed looking at the ceiling, as if I’m going to find all the answers somewhere. We achieved everything we set out to do. The house, the car, economic security, healthy, beautiful children, everything should have been perfect. This was supposed to be our happily ever after, it should have been wonderful. Yet the summer of our happiness is over and there is no going back. At some point we let winter take over and separate us. Now it’s hopeless.

And it hurts so much. So fucking much.

The minutes pass and I remain here, sobbing quietly, until the lights of a car light the driveway. I would recognize the noise of that engine anywhere, even with my eyes closed.

Bruce is here, so close and yet so far.

Will he take the next step this time?

I get up, not bothering to take my robe, and run to look out the window, pulling the curtain to the side. To say that I’m surprised that he is looking directly here would be a lie. His eyes are as intense as his expression, I can tell that he seems almost fierce.

Come up here, come to me, fight for me. You said you were desperate, right? Fight, fight for me, I want to yell at him.

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