Page 19 of Beyond our Forever

Of course it is, and his parents are wonderful.

Now it is me who sighs, a little sorry for my harsh response.

“When were you thinking they would travel?”

“Is Wednesday the fourteenth okay?” The tone of his voice also changes, becoming more conciliatory, calmer.

“I have to check the calendar, but I don’t think there’ll be a major problem, by that time they’ll have finished school.”

“Two weeks is okay with you?”

Good God, that’s an eternity!

“I have never spent so much time away from my children.” As I say it, I almost choke.

Many times I imagined us being alone, meeting in private, returning to who we were in the beginning, just us, Bruce and Ilythia. A couple crazy in love, but I never thought of it being so long. Just a few days would have been enough, but fifteen? And there is no reason for a break anymore.

So many years I longed for some time just the two of us.

“You said you wanted to make your own path,” he reminds me. “Perhaps you could use the time to work out what path it is you want to take.”

He says it with a calmness that surprises me, because those same words were thrown in his face the night of our big fight. And he’s right, months have passed and I’m still stuck in the same place, if not worse.

After we end the call I’m left thinking about the possibilities. What should I do with my free time?

Join the gym? I don’t know, it’s not calling me.

Maybe baking classes? After all, I’ve always liked making cakes and desserts.

Back to college?

Going to Paris by myself, my old dream was there, waiting for me.

Maybe someone can help me there. When I was younger, I didn’t pay attention to many things, but maybe now with the right help, I can find my way.

Whatever.

Maybe I should start by loving myself again, taking care of myself, acting as if I really care. That’s what the first step should be.

Should…

A list of pros and cons comes to mind, an image riddled with memories. Something in my chest tightens, preventing air from completely filling my lungs.

I have to learn to survive despite the pain, because nobody deserves to live half a life, we exist to be free, to be fulfilled.

To be happy.

And I will be, even if I die trying.

I’m going to be happy. Not for Bruce, not for my children.

For me.

I will be happy for myself, because I deserve it.

Self-care isn’t selfish.

The oven bell dings, announcing that the muffins are ready. I barely manage to put them on the granite counter in the kitchen before someone knocks on the door.

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