Page 43 of Cloud Storm

Something in his voice, in the gesture he makes, achieves that effect. I know he’s not lying.

“Do you have kids with her?” My worry is not yet assuaged, after all not everyone bothers to get married these days.

He smiles, assuming he’s winning this fight.

“No, no kids,” he says again confidently and my body relaxes. “Is that it?”

The quirk of a smile appears on his lips, it’s the first time I’ve seen him do that. His gestures are always so serious, so imposing, so Sir Lancelot, so strong, so him.

I shake my head before asking again, “Are you in love with her?”

His eyes open momentarily, it’s a low blow, one he surely didn’t expect.

If he loves her, there is nothing he can do about it. He will always belong to the place where his heart is. She will always be his home. And I will be what I have always been; an inappropriate girl in an inappropriate place.

The weird girl with the weird colored hair.

The girl who always wears a mask, because she fears letting others see her reality.

Now you understand me?

Do you see why I can’t let anyone in?

It hurts, it hurts to get hurt. And I don’t want to be the victim. I want to be able to govern my destiny.

In a world full of rules I prefer to be branded as weird rather than a sheep. I am the black sheep, the one that is always lost, the one that walks in the opposite direction.

The wind reveals the direction of the air and brings with it a tornado in its wake.

“Can’t you answer me?” I insist.

I want to know if he really loves her.

If he loves her. Her.

“I don’t know how to answer that question,” he murmurs, looking into my eyes.

“You can try just telling the truth,” I say in a sweet tone but with an underlying toughness.

“I don’t know, Ariel, I just don’t know.”

“Is she what you want, is she your perfect woman?”

He nods his head in agreement.

“So what am I?” I challenge him, angry, really angry. “The weird girl to have fun with?”

“No, Ariel. You are much more than that.”

“But there is no point to any of this, Lancelot, if you are already taken. Grab your sword, your armor and leave here. If you want to go back to the fifth or sixth century, go to your round table with King Arthur and the other knights. Go away and don’t come back into my life again. I don’t need you, I don’t want what you have to offer me. A long time ago I decided that I would never settle for half an existence, but that’s the only thing you’re offering me and I… I don’t want it, it’s not enough. If we were together, you’d need to learn how to fly alongside me. Otherwise, leave me to do it by myself. No one, not even you, will break my wings. Goodbye, Lancelot. See you never.”

I’m not that girl, not anymore.

I move away before he has a chance to process what I just told him, before he has time to draw up a strategy. Before he tries to catch me.

Before my forces falter.

Before I crumble.

---