Page 36 of Cloud Storm

God of my life, it seems that what awaits me is Chinese torture.

Two minutes later and after another round of hugs, sobs and recommendations, Roselynn finally leaves, closing the door behind her. I stand there, in the middle of the colorful space that serves as my living room, kitchen and dining room, wondering if the time has come to let my present life come together with my past.

From: Arthur

To: California Girl

Date: September 28, 2019 03:07

Subject: Urgency

It’s late and I can’t sleep. Too many things swirl in my head and I have to tell you.

I’ve seen your face in another woman, that confuses me and, although I have tried to fight against it, it has been stronger than me.

Tell me that you want to see me, we need to clarify this situation before it drives me crazier than I already am.

Reply to this email, my California Girl. Don’t leave me hanging like this.

Yours,

A x

Chapter 10

The solitude of my apartment is not as comforting as I had imagined, because a strange sensation invades me. I want to scream, I want to cry and above all else, I want the world to turn normally again, not spin at the speed of vertigo, not with this rhythm that makes me dizzy and unsettles me so much.

I want to live in a world without him again.

I want him to take his perfect shiny suitcases and get out of my world, taking all his fancy stuff with him. He’s guilty. Guilty for making me feel this way, for making the memories that I had kept buried for years come to light again.

And he’s guilty for this confusion twirling around me.

They’ll say that I’m crazy, that Lancelot has nothing to do with what I lived through before, and in a way it is true. But he’s the one who came and tore down the walls that I had built around my heart.

Walls that I had assumed were as strong and unshakable as the wall that divided the city of Berlin in two, but if that one fell, there was little chance of mine continuing to resist.

Damn it, I should ask the North Koreans for advice, they say their borders are impenetrable.

While the water fills my bathtub, my mind flies to my hometown again, to the villa where I was born. Wondering what would have become of me had I not run away. What would my life have been without my brothers’ intervention, if they hadn’t help me?

I would have been lost, however, I don’t know where I am now. Is that not the same thing?

I feel confused and terribly alone.

Nobody knows who I really am, nobody. I’ve reinvented myself.

Just my brothers and I haven’t seen them for so long. These years have been very hard. I’ve lived in the real world, and I still don’t feel part of it.

I’m a spoiled black bean in a white rice bowl.

A red stain on their neat white cotton.

I stay in the water until my fingers and toes are pruney and, even so, I still can’t find the solution to my dilemma.

How did I get myself into this craziness?

I’m living between two worlds, and those worlds are colliding.

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