Page 109 of Rainstorm

Chase

Present day

I’m sure there is a special spot in hell for men like me.

Men who crave things they don’t deserve and cannot have.

I have no doubt.

I fought against destiny, gambled with happiness and lost my bet.

After an endless list of mistakes, I just want to make things right.

I know she still loves me, but now I understand that love isn’t enough without trust.

And that was my worst mistake. I didn’t put my trust in her. In the love we shared.

Instead I dropped a bomb. A stupid fucking divorce type of bomb.

It was the last thing I wanted, but I felt I had no choice. Never have I felt so defeated.

After my diagnosis, I felt like only half a man. A man who’d lost the ability to make love to his wife.

What kind of a husband is that?

I felt emasculated.

Sentenced to die slowly and painfully.

I just wanted to protect her.

I didn’t want her see me that way, to waste her life watching mine fade away. I wanted her to be happy, to be whole.

The worst part was the realization that I couldn’t give her the thing she wanted the most.

Kids.

Fuck, I was incapable of making love to my wife. My stupid fucked up body was incapable of fulfilling my desires.

A man doesn’t need to be in jail to serve a sentence. The human body can be the worst prison, one you can’t escape or leave behind.

Trapped in it until the day you die.

But now it’s time to come clean and set the record straight. My wife will finally get to hear the whole sad story from me. Something I realize now I should have done right from the beginning. I’ve been such a fool, but in my defense, I truly thought I was doing the best thing for Roselynn, for her future happiness.

“Remember our trip to Mexico last year? What happened to me?” I know that’s a stupid question, but I have to start somewhere.

A storm of memories hits.

Water swirling around me, swallowing me up. Dragging me down deeper and deeper.

My body incapable of doing anything, my feet heavy like concrete slabs.

Forced to give up despite my overwhelming desire to survive.

And then her arms around me, pulling me out of the water. Gasping for air.

Her refusal to leave my side that night, sensing something was wrong.

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