Page 107 of Rainstorm

“As soon as we receive the money, I’ll go ahead with paying off the mortgage and then transfer the remaining money to your account. You got a great deal out of this, so congrats!”

Another empty victory. But another step completed I guess.

“Listen, Rose, you need to pack up your things from the house. Holland’s lawyer has said you can take whatever you want.”

The mere thought of packing my life into boxes makes me want to puke.

This is it, the final hurdle at the end of the race.

I only need to hold on for a little while longer, even though it feels like I’m trying to breathe under water. The sooner I get this done, the sooner I can put it all behind me and move on.

So I’ll get started on organizing it right now.

I don’t want to.

But I need to.

???

“You shouldn’t do this alone,” Ariel fusses, a couple of days later while I’m sorting out the packing boxes I’ve bought in preparation for emptying my old house.

“I have to, I can’t always expect you to be there. I have to fight my own battles, you can’t keep me under your wing like a mother hen all the time,” I sigh. “Besides, I still feel torn about you, my supposed friend. How did Chase persuade you to change to his team?”

“He didn’t, Rose. I’ll be always on your team. I just wanted you two to talk. The man has powerful reasons for acting the way he did, so I wanted you to at least listen to him.”

How come she seems to know more about Chase’s mysterious behavior than I do?

“Just let me go to the house with you, Rosie. I know how hard this is going to be on you.”

I ignore her although she continues to nag me. But I have to live my life with all its ups and downs. To be honest, although I’ve managed to harden myself to all the flowers on the windshield of my car, the folded notes beneath the door, the stolen glances from afar, the thought of now having to actually share the same space as Chase makes me very nervous. We haven’t spoken a word since that day at the game. Not even to sign the documents for the house, as he went to the lawyer a couple of hours after I went.

It’s very difficult entering the house that was my home, our home, for so many years, knowing that this will be my last time here. But being here to pack up all my belongings makes it seem final, even though it’s not possible to pack away all the memories so easily.

Those will come with me, it’s impossible to store them away in a dark rented storage place.

Chase has already begun, he’s taken down the pictures from the walls, and all our framed photos have disappeared from the shelves, making it seem empty and more desolate than ever.

A mausoleum for our broken dreams.

Meeting here provokes a storm of feelings, of sadness and longing, and also exhaustion. I’m so tired of all the conflict.

He smiles when he sees me, but then it fades when I don’t smile back. My first inclination is to yell at him and start an argument, which I know would only lead me to beg him to stop this madness, plead with him that there’s still time, it’s not too late. We’re still alive, so bottom line, where there’s life, there’s hope, right?

Love me, Chase. Just love me again.

But it’s nothing more than a foolish dream. I know I can’t trust him. I can’t trust him with my heart again. I’m barely holding myself together. I wouldn’t survive if he left me again, not when I’ve never understood why he chose to tear us apart in the first place.

So, I have to get started.

I take some boxes and tape and hurry over to my walk-in closet, sad that it will remain an unfinished project. But I freeze when I see that it has actually been finished. All the shelves are in place and the hardwood shoe-rack has been installed. It’s gorgeous, and my heart breaks a little more at the thought that I’ll never get to use it.

“It was a smart move to get someone in to complete this, I’m sure it must have helped the sale to go through,” I tell Chase, without turning to look at him. “And they’ve done a great job, this is really beautiful, so I get why the buyer paid full price.”

“I didn’t get anyone in, Rose. I finished it myself.”

“You? But why?”

“Because I was hoping you would come back and make it yours.”

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