Page 110 of Rainstorm

Which was sadly true, although I kept her in the dark. Shame on me.

“Of course I remember. You really scared me.” She frowns.

“And as promised, I went to see the doctor.”

“Yes, but I didn’t get to go with you, you made some lame excuse about getting a cancellation with the doctor at short notice. It was obvious you didn’t want me there.”

Another mistake. Another lie.

“Of course I wanted you there, Roselynn, you’re my wife. But I thought I was doing the right thing. I knew things weren’t looking good and I wanted to protect you.”

I’d felt so alone sitting in that waiting room—then being scanned in that claustrophobic white tube, blindfolded by fear, deafened by the low hum of the device.

And then listening the doctor’s words, the terrible diagnosis.

“So what really happened? What did the doctor say?” she probes.

“He said that I have Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis. It’s a condition that affects the brain and nerves, and causes weakness that gets worse over time, although at the moment my symptoms are quite mild. But it’s always fatal and there is no cure.” I force the terrible words out, reliving the horror, going through the same emotions.

Fear.

Dread.

Defeat.

Roselyn gasps in horror. “Chase…”

Those beautiful golden eyes fix on me, so full of sadness. Her heart is breaking for me, all over again.

But then something inside her snaps at the realization of what I’ve done, what I’ve concealed from her, the extent of my deception.

She’s like an angry angel sent directly from the seventh heaven and I’m in fucked up hell.

She is angry with me. Furious. The hellion is back.

“Rose, I want you to understand something…,” I try to explain.

With my body I thee worship…

“Understand what?” she interrupts. “That you’re sick? But that’s no justification for divorcing me, you motherfucker. Did you think I wouldn’t stand by you, that I wouldn’t want to support you? Or was it that you didn’t think I wasn’t capable?”

For better, for worse. For richer, for poorer…

“No, I didn’t think that, Rose. But I didn’t think it was fair on you, and the last thing I wanted was to be a burden and ruin your life. It’s been hard enough dealing with my own issues, with the fact that I couldn’t have kids with you. With the fact that you’d go to bed every single night with half a man, a man who couldn’t make love to his wife.”

Rose stands up, pacing in front of me, her fingers gripping her dark hair.

Chaos ripples around her, just as I felt the first time I heard the diagnosis from the doctor.

I want to reach out and hug her, make her feel loved, cherished. To fulfill the promises I made years ago. But now I’m feeling the familiar numbness. The tingle that starts in my back and slowly makes my lower body useless, making it difficult for my legs to support the weight of my own body.

Rose is still pacing, glaring at me, ready to start battle.

I know she’s upset, but it goes deeper than that. My wife is fuming, I can practically see the steam coming from her ears.

“Chase, from what you’ve just said, chances are you could still have many good years, so surely you should be doing everything to make the most of things in the here and now? And there are many ways to start a family. There are lots of kids waiting for a loving family. Fuck, we could even have adopted a dog.” She was no longer yelling, but her words hit me right in the middle of my chest.

The worst thing is that while destiny dealt me a shit hand of cards, I know I’ve totally played them wrong, that I’ve played the worst possible game. I’ve been a coward and with every wrong step I’ve dug myself into a deeper hole. In fact I’ve dug my own grave.

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