Page 74 of Whispers of My Skin

Excuse me?

“Unfair?” I declare indignantly. “You’re such a hypocrite, Joel Sadger! You talk about being fair, when all you’ve done this entire time is judge me and condemn me, while refusing to listen to my opinion.”

“I’m so sorry, my love,” he says quietly. “I’m truly sorry.”

“No, I’m the one who’s sorry, because I’m your wife Joel, so you should have put me first, not Cassandra. You should have believed me, trusted me, not her. But since that wasn’t the case, I think we’ve reached a dead end.”

I’m tired, exhausted of his distrust. Maybe what’s between is based on pure lust, maybe we’ve grown apart too far in the intervening years. What’s the point of carrying on if he doesn’t value what we were trying to build between us? If every time there’s a bump in the road, he puts someone else before me? Maybe it’s for the best to put an end to things now, before things get even more complicated. I’ve had my dreams shattered so many times, I’ll survive yet another blow.

“You can’t be serious, Tara!” Joel is clearly shocked, but what did he expect? Words come easy, but actions speak louder than words. He chose to believe his friend rather than his wife.

“I can and I am,” I insist resolutely.

“Tara, please forgive me,” he pleads taking my hand.

As he stares into my eyes, I see the regret in his. But regret doesn’t change anything.

“Without trust, love can’t survive,” I say rising from the chair. “And your lack of trust in my judgment really hurt, you know? So, I’m going to take some time and give some serious thought as to where we go from here, Joel.”

I leave the kitchen without looking back. Joel remains behind, hopefully thinking about what I just said.

We’ll see where the river of life takes us this time.

When the anger fades, what remains is a feeling of deep sadness, almost resignation, knowing there’s no going back, that the sun and moon can never share the same sky. Dawn brings a promise that cannot be fulfilled, so the sky bleeds in pain at sunset.

I lock myself in the bathroom to indulge in a long, hot, bubble bath. I feel so cold, inside and out. Today has taken its toll to deplete all my reserves, rendering me physically exhausted and emotionally numb. I can’t cope with this roller coaster ride my life has become. I thought Joel was my everything and I was his, but if all it took was a little of Cassandra’s meddling to come between us, then the foundations of our relationship must have been pretty rocky to begin with.

It’s late when Joel finally enters our bedroom, where I’ve retreated after my bath. He tiptoes in quietly, being careful not to disturb me. But it doesn’t matter, I couldn’t sleep now if I tried. Regardless, I pretend to be asleep, feeling too weary to face him. Our relationship has just become one fight after another and frankly, it’s exhausting. Bad enough to be accused of something you have done, but to be blamed for something that you’re completely innocent of is heartbreaking.

And the saddest part of all this? It means that bitch Cassandra has won. She’s caused this huge rift between us.

I hear Joel drop his clothes on the floor and I close my eyes tighter, resisting the temptation to look at him. At least it’s dark, so even the sliver of moonlight sneaking through the thin curtains of our bedroom isn’t enough to see him clearly.

“I know you’re still awake,” he murmurs, as he slides into bed, pulling the cover over us as he spoons himself against my back. “Tara, I know how difficult all this has been for you, and that the way I acted made things even harder. I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry, my love.”

I close my eyes tighter, I don’t want to cry any more, I don’t want to react to Joel in any way at all, but still the hot, scalding tears roll down my cheeks.

“You were absolutely right, I’ve been such a fucking stupid idiot. As my wife, you deserved my unswerving loyalty, and I should never have accepted another person’s word over yours. I could say that I was nervous about today’s meeting, that I was worried about Cassandra’s alleged abuse, but I know that’s just making excuses,” he says quietly. “Tara, please talk to me. Say something, shout at me, cry, yell and scream all you want, just don’t shut me out. Please, my love, please.”

Still, I can’t bear to talk to him. Instead, I curl up into a tight ball, into my own protective cocoon.

“I’m really, really sorry, babe, I’m truly sorry. As your mother said, I’m just an ignorant cowboy, a brute...”

“Well, that’s one thing we agree on.” The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them.

Joel takes this as a victory, that he’s broken thorough my cold-shouldered approach, and pulls me closer, wrapping me tightly in his arms.

“How are we going to solve this?” he whispers, tenderly kissing my shoulder.

“I have no idea,” I sigh.

“You and I have to learn to communicate,” he says, slipping the strap of my nightgown over my shoulder. “Without lies.” Kiss “Without judgment.” Kiss. “Without anger.” Kiss.

His mouth follows the path of his fingertips and my skin heats in response. Every cell of my body is attuned to his movements, to his caresses, to the heat of his touch.

“And how are we going to learn that lesson?”

“Trusting,” he says, turning me around, aligning my body under his. “Believing,” he murmurs. “Loving.”

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