Page 54 of Whispers of My Skin

I went out looking for Joel on horseback. I had to see him. I needed to talk to him. I had to tell him everything. Because I’d figured it all out. FUCK. I must talk to him. Is he here?

“Joel ...” My hoarse voice is barely audible. I try again. “Joel.”

More voices, footsteps, then finally a large, comforting, warm hand takes mine.

Thank God. He’s here. I’d know it was him anywhere.

But where am I? I frown in confusion—at least I can move my eyebrows, so that’s something I guess.

“Just stay calm, my love. The doctor’s on his way,” Joel murmurs soothingly.

“Joel,” I force out, as I finally blink my eyes open, squinting in the bright light. “Joel, I need to talk to you, it’s important.”

His hands smooth back my hair while his lips pepper my forehead with soft kisses. His gentle touch drives away the pain, swathing me in a fuzzy haze of comfort.

“Shhhh, easy, now. You don’t need to worry about anything,” he smiles reassuringly.

“But what happened? Where am I?”

“You fell off your horse, and ended up in the hospital.”

“Joel, the ranch...” I attempt to start explaining, because I can’t rest until I’ve told him what I’ve worked out.

“Whatever it is can wait, baby,” he interrupts. “The doctor needs to check you over now that you’re awake.”

The doctor comes in and gently lifts my eyelids, then shines a painfully bright light in my eyes which makes me wince, but before I can complain, he’s already sliding the torch back in his coat pocket.

When he steps back and Joel comes back into sight again, I instantly relax and feel calmer.

The doctor continues with his examination, saying I have extensive bruising which will take a while to heal, but that I’m lucky not to have broken any bones or suffered any more serious injuries, and that I just need to rest for a few days. Joel is standing listening intently the whole time, and initially I’m relieved when it appears nothing more is going to be said about my health. Relief floods through me that my secret is safe, knowing it’s for the best even though I don’t like lying to him. But it seems I’ve counted my chickens too soon.

“Moving on to the other, more serious concerns regarding Mrs. Sadger’s health…” the doctor continues, but before he can say any more, Joel takes him by the arm and leads him away from the bed to the far side of the room. I’m pretty annoyed at having to strain to hear what’s being discussed, when I’m the topic of conversation.

“… arranged for a consultation with a leading hepatologist tomorrow. I’ve already sent over the results of your wife’s tests, and informed her about the medications you brought in...”

Medications? How could Joel have found anything when I’d hidden them away so carefully in a makeup bag at the back of a cupboard in my bathroom?

“Joel? What’s going on?” If my body didn’t hurt so much, I’d be out of this bed demanding some answers.

The anguished look he shoots me tells me all I need to know. He looks so angry and betrayed that I know the game is up. He knows. He’s somehow discovered the secrets I’ve been keeping from him. I don’t know how, but the veil has fallen, the truth has been revealed.

But if that’s true... why is he still here?

“So, I’ll see you back here tomorrow morning,” the doctor states as Joel shakes his hand, thanks him and then closes the door as he leaves the room.

My husband stares at me so fiercely while I lie here, trapped with nowhere to hide, no escaping his accusatory look. This is it—showdown time.

“Were you ever going to tell me?”

“Joel, do we have to do this now? You heard the doctor, I’m supposed to be resting,” I prevaricate, although I know I’m wasting my breath.

“The quicker we get to the bottom of things, the quicker you can get the rest you need, Tara. So, let’s cut to the chase. Imagine my surprise when your mother carelessly dropped into the conversation the fact that you were dying.”

“I’m sorry,” I murmur.

“You’re sorry?” He laughs bitterly. “You’re sorry? You lied to me, Tara. You deliberately withheld something that I’d say is kind of important. You know, the fact that you’re terminally ill? Slipped your mind, did it, telling me about that little fact?’”

“Joel, it’s been difficult…it’s complicated…a lot has happened over the last few years. With the ranch…my life…my health. But at least now you know….” My words trail away as I fumble around pathetically for excuses, never having really planned what I’d say if Joel ever found out.

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