Page 63 of Whispers of My Skin

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“We aren’t finished talking yet.”

The way Joel says those words, the way he’s looking at me like I’m his prey, he’s clearly not in a reconciliatory mood. But I refuse to be intimidated, I’m done with all that. I had years of my father dominating me and controlling my life, and I’m not about to let Joel repeat the pattern. His opinion is not more valid than mine simply because he’s my husband. Nor should he let that huge chip on his shoulder about being the boy from the wrong side of the tracks affect our marriage and how he treats me.

I’m not leaving him by ‘running away to college’, as he chooses to interpret my wish to complete my education, so I’m not backing down. He’s the one being unreasonable, not me.

Joel steps into the room.

We’re alone in the house, so he doesn’t bother shutting the door behind him. We’re far enough away from civilization that no one’s going to hear the slanging match that’s about to ensue.

“What do you want?” I ask abruptly. He’s still mad? Well, so am I.

“Funny, that’s just what I was going to ask you. Just tell me, Tara, what the fuck is it that you want?”

“I have told you, repeatedly. I want to go to college to complete my education.”

“But why?” he exclaims loudly. “Why isn’t what we have here, what I can give you, enough?”

“Joel, you’re twisting this around to be about you when it’s really not. This is about improving my self-confidence and my self-respect. I hate myself for being nothing more than a lazy college dropout, which is why I want to take some courses.”

“Tara, it’s not just about what you want when you’re married. You should be putting Redlands first, not wasting time gallivanting off to college.”

“But I’ve already spent years putting Redlands first. I’ve always felt a complete failure since all I was good for was being some man’s vacuous arm candy. I want to change that perception by finishing school.”

“I thought we agreed your place is by my side, here at the ranch. I thought that was what you wanted.”

“It is, but you’re far more qualified and capable of running the day to day practical side of things on the ranch than I will ever be, which means you don’t need me here every single second. I’m not the ‘obedient-little-wife-happy-to-stay-at-home-all-day’ type, Joel. I have a brain and I need to use it.”

“I just don’t get why the life we can share here on the ranch isn’t enough for you. Why do you need to leave when you have everything you could want here?”

“You’re not listening! It’s not about that,” I yell.

“Then what the fuck are you talking about?” he yells back. “Because the only thing I hear you saying is that you’re not happy here with me, it’s not enough for you, so you’re going to college to look for it.

Gah! That man is so stubborn and mule headed. I pick up a small pot from the nightstand and throw it at the wall. I’m frustrated and pissed as hell. Tired of feeling stupid and uneducated. Tired of being pushed around. Tired of his refusal to see things from my side. Tired of his stubborn attitude.

“That’s not what I said!” I shout. “I’m happy with you, Joel, very happy, but I also want to challenge myself. I actually enjoyed sorting through all the paperwork in my father’s old office, which made me think that if I studied accounting and book keeping, I could take over that side of things from you, which in turn would free up more time for us to spend together.”

Joel stares at me for a minute, because even he can’t dispute that actually sounds like a damn good idea. So, he changes tack.

“Tara, have you already forgotten that you’ve not long got out of the hospital after nearly being murdered? Have you forgotten that the police advised it’s safer for you to remain here on the ranch? Bottom line, you’re still in danger and I can’t protect you if you aren’t here with me at Redlands.”

“So what, you expect me to spend the rest of my life locked away in seclusion? Bad things can happen wherever you are, Joel. I could fall down the stairs and break my neck, so are you going to insist I have to stay downstairs?”

“Now you’re being ridiculous,” Joel scoffs.

“No, you’re the one being ridiculous. And hypocritical, since you’ve certainly changed your tune after insisting I had to paint the house from top to bottom all by myself. But you know what—I actually preferred being treated like that, I enjoyed the challenge, even if you only did it thinking I’d give up. And I didn’t fall off the ladder, which proves you don’t need to watch me like a hawk the entire time.”

Joel glares at me.

“Why is it such a crime to want to look after you and protect you? I’m your husband, and it’s my responsibility to look after you.”

“No, Joel, it’s my responsibility to look after myself, my responsibility to live my life the way I see fit. That doesn’t mean I don’t love you or appreciate the way you love and care about me. But smothering me isn’t the way to go.”

“Sometimes I wish I didn’t fucking love you the way I do. All this would be so much fucking easier to work out,” he sighs, rubbing his temples with his fingertips, a sure sign he’s stressed.

“It’s all pretty simple. I’m going to college. I’m going to get qualified so I can be of more use around here. This is a good thing, not a bad thing. So get used to it, because I am going to college, with or without your blessing,” I spell out, before walking out onto the terrace, hoping the cool night breeze will help to calm me down as I lean against the railing and take in some deep breaths.

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