Page 101 of Torn In Two

Kara put a warm hand on my chilled, wet arm. “She’s okay, Gray. Put her down.”

I shook my head, blinking away the memories, and dropped to my knees at the edge of our blanket. Kara knelt beside me, quickly finding a towel and stripping off some of Hayley Jade’s wet clothes. She wrapped Hayley Jade’s slim shoulders and rubbed her arms briskly, warming her up and drying her off. She smiled at her daughter. “You’re okay?”

Hayley Jade’s teeth chattered, but she nodded, staring at me with big eyes.

I swallowed thickly and tried to smile reassuringly at her, well aware it was now my behavior scaring her a whole lot more than being dunked by a wave had.

Kara shot me worried glances too. “Let’s go up to the car so I can get her changed. I brought spare clothes, knowing she’d probably get wet.”

I nodded numbly, following her lead, my heart still racing too fast and my breathing too erratic to do or say anything more. I picked up all the things and trailed them back to the car, packing the mostly uneaten food back into the trunk as the wind whipped around my soaking body, chilling me to the bone.

My head had gone dark.

Memories erupting from shadowy corners and twirling through my brain like a never-ending nightmare parade.

A car door slammed. I jumped, and then Kara was in front of me, undoing the buttons on my shirt.

“What are you doing?” I watched her nimble fingers move down my chest.

“You’re freezing.”

“Hayley Jade…”

“Is now warm in a fresh tracksuit and watching videos on my phone in the back seat.”

“She’s really okay?”

Kara nodded. “Really. I should have been watching her more closely. It could have been a lot worse. But you were so quick.”

“I didn’t feel quick,” I admitted. “I thought she went under. A lot. I thought…” I sucked in a breath, but it felt shallow. Like even when I tried to get more air, I couldn’t. “I thought—”

The air wouldn’t come.

Kara dragged off my shirt and wrapped the picnic blanket around me, which was sandy and a little stiff, but stopped the whipping wind from getting at my skin. She led me to the log fence. “Sit a minute. You’re having a panic attack.”

I hadn’t had one in years, but it felt a whole lot like dying. With nothing in me left to fight, I did as I was told, sitting heavily. My chest heaved. Stomach churned. I was sure I looked like I was losing it.

Concern radiated from Kara.

I didn’t want to scare her. “My foster dad found water torture an amusing pastime.” I fought the gut-churning feeling inside me. “Not that he had any of the skills they use on prisoners of war or whatever. He didn’t have the patience for anything like that. He just liked to hold my head beneath the water.”

Kara stared down at me, horror written all over her expression. “Why? How old were you?”

I shrugged. “Ten, maybe? I don’t really remember. Small enough to not be able to fight back.” I twisted to stare back at the waves, demon-like in their thrashing, the wind from earlier bringing in dark clouds that made the entire beach feel ominous. “I ran away from home once. Slept just down there, on the beach for two nights before he found me.” I rubbed my hands up and down my arms. “He dragged me into the ocean, screaming about what a good-for-nothing shit I was, and how Child Protective Services was going to take away his payments if I wasn’t there when they came to check on me.”

“He held you beneath the water as punishment?”

“He didn’t want to hit me and leave bruises.”

“So he tried to drown you instead?” Kara’s eyes were round with horror. “Foster parents are supposed to be caring. Nurturing…”

I laughed. “Maybe in Disney movies.”

But it wasn’t funny. I dropped my head, staring at the ground, hating that this shit still had an effect on me. I’d done so much mental work, trying to get through it, and I thought I had. I even swam now. Regularly. Though only in pools.

But seeing Hayley Jade’s head slip beneath the waves while she’d flailed and fought to stay upright had brought it all back, reopening a wound that had defined my entire life.

The laugh turned into a desperate gulp for air, my chest too tight, like someone had a vise around it.

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