Page 19 of Beyond The Stars

“That’s ‘cause you good to her. Women don’t understand that just because a nigga ain’t no dog ass nigga don’t always mean he’s in love with you… niggas just be raised right, and I swear I raised you to be perfect,” French bragged.

Perfect? The word made Qamar’s body freeze. He hated the word and hated even more how it was used when it came to him. In the eyes of his super successful family, he could do no wrong. He was the chosen one but Qamar didn’t feel like he was living up to the standard. They forgave him for Esmeray and didn’t bat an eye when he told them about Janay being pregnant.

French’s head angled. He tried to decipher the look on Qamar’s face. When his mind drew a blank, he asked, “What that face for?”

“Nothing,” Qamar mumbled like he did when he was younger.

“Yea, okay. I ain’t bout to beg you to get the shit off your chest. When Es coming down?” French changed the subject. “Solar had her bossy ass over here the other day.”

Thoughts of his baby girl being loved on by everyone in the family pulled him from the sour mood he’d almost gotten caught in. “That’s my heart, French.”

“Trust, we know. You all she talks about with her talking ass. ‘I’m gonna put this up for my daddy. You know that’s my daddy favorite color?’” he mocked his niece while snaking his neck like her.

“She gone make sure I’m straight. Malaysia be hot as hell about that.”

“Malaysia is a good mama.”

“Dope ass baby mama too. She don’t give me any issues and takes great care of our baby.”

“Don’t expect Janay to be like that. Women are all different, and I can tell she ain’t with that kumbaya shit.” French laughed at his own joke.

“Man, don’t I know it. You been good, though?” Qamar sat up. His body ached with every move he made. It didn’t matter how much he got used to working out, his body always ached afterwards.

“Yea, I’m good. I got my kids.” He looked away to see if Aku was close before he continued. “Your sister ready to get married.”

“You ain’t?” Qamar’s youthful face became serious. “You been with Solar for years, you ain’t think she was gonna want to carry your last name?”

The way the conversation went, threw Qamar for a loop. As far as he knew his sister Solar and French were madly in love with each other. They’d all grown up in The Jig together. The two of them were coparents before they even had sex. When Solar was just sixteen, she had a rebellious streak of doing any and everything that made her feel grown. Mommy issues were a real thing and the driving force of a lot of her rebellion. So much so that she found herself pregnant by a grown man. He was locked up shortly after and instead of revealing her truth to the family, she kept his identity to herself.

Solar and French were close. Their love had bloomed from childhood but he never took it there with her even though he was only two years her senior. To return the favor of how she’d poured into him as friends, he stepped up to help her with her daughter, Aku. He signed the birth certificate and claimed her as his own. He thought Solar had given him the identity of Aku’s biological father but later found out, she lied. By that time, he was madly in love with Solar and had declared it for the world to hear. Aku’s real father didn’t matter because French was all she would need. Now, they were three kids in without completing their union.

French had reservations. Sometimes, he didn’t feel like he was good enough to marry Solar. Solar had always been the girl of his dreams and with his own childhood trauma being unresolved, he questioned his manhood and whether or not she deserved someone like him.

“I think I need to sit on that lady couch,” French playfully expressed. His joke contained his truth. “I love the fuck out of Solar, you know that.”

“Which is why I ain’t understanding why you ain’t giving my sister your last name. You got some else going on?” Qamar didn’t play when it came to his sisters. He loved French like a big brother… more like a father but when it came to the women in his life he would always choose them.

“Chill the fuck out, baby boy. I’m going to marry her but I need to unpack some of this shit I’ve been holding onto for all my life. I’m a man at the end of the day but how can I expect you to stand on business when I ain’t leading by example? I have a son too. My junior needs me whole. I ain’t whole yet, Qamar.” Tears pooled in his eyes but he wiped them away just as quick as they came. “I can’t let another nigga snatch up the best thing that ever happened to me. I’m damn sure gone put a ring on my baby’s finger.”

Qamar showed his understanding by nodding his head lightly. French was a complex soul that often got overlooked because of his witty and comical personality. Qamar and Solar were the only ones who saw through the façade. They loved him in spite of.

“French?”

Sniffling, French looked into the phone locking eyes with his first love. Qamar had his heart the moment he was old enough to walk. “Yea, baby boy?”

“I love you the most,” he recited his words from childhood when he was only eight years old. It was true then and true now.

“Alright, nigga, you getting too soft. I love you too, Qamar. Don’t let this world swallow you. Keep your head above water like Lunar taught us.”

Qamar couldn’t agree more before he hung up the phone. Lunar was still a sore spot for him. He often felt like he was cheated out of the experience everyone else got when it came to their dreamer. Lunar was the reason for it all. He’d taught them about believing in themselves and they passed it down to Qamar—with higher expectations that often swallowed him whole. Instead of finding himself in a bad place, he decided to reach out to someone who could take his mind off his shortcomings.

He didn’t have her number but saved the iCloud email she called the other morning. Clicking on the contact, he stared into the phone, waiting for her face to pop up on the screen. Seconds felt like excoriating hours. Still, he wasn’t going to hang up until the three beeps sounded.

“What?” Siasia’s groggy voice sounded before her face popped into the screen.

“That’s how you sound when you wake up from a nap? I guess I can get used to that shit,” Qamar’s deep voice teased her.

In shock, her eyes widened, unsure if she was dreaming or if it was real. “Qamar?”

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