Page 37 of Beyond The Stars

He allowed the smoke to fill his lungs before he exhaled it. “She want something I can’t give her and that fucks with my head.”

“Let you tell it, everything be fuckin’ with your head. Maybe you the problem.”

“Can’t be. Like, it’s so much on me that I hate she’s putting even more on me.”

“You talking about the baby because she ain’t ask to be here and I’ll beat yo’ ass before I allow you to be a deadbeat.” French’s nose flared just thinking about Qamar running out on his responsibilities.

“I’ll never do that. I know what it feels like to be abandoned. I would never do that to anyone’s kids.” Qamar passed the blunt back. “Between the family, school, and trying to be the best daddy, a nigga feels unworthy.” There it was. He’d finally admitted to what was holding his mind down. A small weight lifted off him.

“You need therapy or some shit?” French asked, concerned.

Qamar snorted. “Nigga what?”

“I’m serious.” French cleared his throat. “I’ve been seeing this chick that’s been helping me work through some of my own shit.”

“Your life is perfect, French. What you need to work through?”

“My daddy is my mama’s daddy,” he blurted. No one but Solar knew the true dynamics in his family. It was all kinds of fucked-up—more than people thought. Yes, his granny damn near pimped him out when it came to her old druggie friends but the truth was, she did the same to her own daughter. Sucking in hard, he needed the weed to work faster.

“Damn,” Qamar whispered. “I didn’t know.”

“No one did but Solar. It fucks me up because now I got my own kids and couldn’t imagine them going through some shit like that. Now, your sister wants to get married but I feel unworthy. That girl has been in my corner since we were kids. She’s loved me even when I’ve pushed her away. Its only right, I give her the world and my last name but I gotta make sure I’m the best version of myself. You know?”

“Solar gone rock with you regardless, though.”

“That’s the problem. She’ll accept my flaws and that ain’t fair to her. She’s fuckin’ perfect and deserves the same from me.” He choked on his words just thinking about letting down the only woman he’d ever love.

Qamar’s words were stopped at the ringing of his phone. Hoping it was Siasia he hurried to answer. “Noodle?” he said, seeing her name pop up on the screen.

“Um, Qamar, my mama and daddy are fighting really bad and I’m scared.” Noodle’s voice shook.

“Where Siasia at?”

“I think she went to work but she ain’t answering. I’m scared this time. I mean, they fight all the time but it’s really bad this time.”

“Fuck.” He shut his eyes, thinking of what to do. “I’m on my way. Just—you got someone house you can go to?”

“No. Siasia don’t let me go to people’s houses.”

“I’m on my way. I’ll try to call your sister and you keep calling her too. Stay in the room.” Qamar made sure Noodle understood before he hung up the phone.

“Another kid?” French asked with laughter in his voice.

Standing up, he wiped the back of his jeans off. “This girl gone make me wring her fuckin’ neck.” He grunted, thinking about Siasia being back in the club after he told her not to. “Aye, tell the pilot to get ready. I’ll be back. Can you help Janay until I get back? I know Malaysia would but they ain’t really fuckin’ with each other.”

“You know I got you. You good though?” French looked Qamar in the eyes, trying to read him.

“Yea,” he said before walking towards the house.

He turned to French, his face lighting at the sight of him. “French, you are perfect. You taught me so much—been the best brother, daddy a nigga could ever ask for. I remember you taking me to school, telling me to pray, kissing me on the forehead… you was a kid doing all that. In my eyes, ain’t no other nigga walking this earth more perfect than you. Shit, you up there with God, if you ask me. Solar feels the same way. Don’t punish her by sabotaging yourself.” Qamar pulled him into a hug with tears in his eyes. “You one of fuckin’ one, nigga.”

12

Siasia twirled around the pole, locking eyes with her faithful customer, Brenden. His eyes surveyed her body from the roots of her braids to the pink polish on her toes. The music was soft, and the blue lights of the club shone down on her, illuminating her brown skin. He wasn’t the only one vying for her attention. Off in the corner a new face captivated her, making her squirm in her skin. He was dark and thuggishly handsome with gold teeth that told of his life’s story. It was no question what he did. He was a get money nigga not from Lynn Beach. He was probably there to soak in the warmer weather, escaping the cold from wherever he was from.

The music switched but Siasia didn’t leave the stage. Dancing in the club started as a desperate way to make a couple dollars fast. It was more than a waitress made and since she was able to also do the club photos, the opportunity was a no brainer. Now, it kind of served as an outlet for her. In the club, she became this bad bitch with high confidence that oozed sexiness. It was also one of the things in her life that she had control over.

While at home, she had no say so in whether Stacy was going to beat her mama almost to death. Siasia felt helpless trapped in the small confines of their worn-out trailer.

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