Page 61 of Four Times Forever

How the hell was I going to do that?

It had been a while since I'd seen them do the things they loved: photography, surfing, vlogging, hiking, travelling— well, they'd started off the travelling bit. I'd always wanted to be a part of their vlogs, at least when I used to watch them all those years ago as a teenager who lost the one person in her life who showed her love, who she loved. I'd envy Eric's girlfriend at the time. But guess what, I was about to be their wife, and I was about to show them and the world that I was all in.

Chapter 46

Lily

Paris was even more beautiful in person. The hype did not disappoint. Its beauty was unreal, and it whisked my breath away. Taking out my phone and flipping on the camera, I could appreciate the joy that came with capturing the moment.

"What are you doing?" Matt chuckled when he and the guys turned around to find me not following them.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" I smiled at him over my shoulder.

Hovering nearby, Ryan didn't get too close, but I got the sense that he wouldn't let me wander too far away. He didn't speak to me. Matt looked over at him and curled his top lip. Well, that was different. Come to think of it, I hadn't seen Ryan interact with any of the guys. I thought the moment on the jet was fun and teasing, but this, even Matt was off with him.

"Did something happen?" I asked.

"Huh?" He looked down at me, eyes troubled. "What?"

"Between you and Ryan..." My words slowed as I examined his reaction. Did he think I was asking about something else?

Right, there went my doubts again, trying to ruin what should have been an exciting adventure.

Matt cleared his throat, faking a smile and shaking his head. "Just don't lag behind too much. We don't want to lose you." He stroked my shoulder before stepping off.

I watched after him. He was nervous, looking around as if he was expecting to find someone. Paris was the capital of love, and an unbridled jealousy sparked inside me. None of this was new to any of them; they'd all been here before. Was that what they were hiding? Well, I'd show all of their exes that they were all taken. I started filming, and when I turned the camera on Ryan, my smugness faded. He was like a lost puppy.

We'd been here a couple of days, though just managing to leave the Airbnb. Ryan hadn't had an episode. I woke up one morning to find him in the backyard garden, meditating. I didn't say anything, didn't want to come upon him and spook him. But I had the sense that if I did, he wouldn't lash out this time. Still, I didn't want to take my chances. He'd barely said anything to me or anyone else, hadn't left our side to go out on his own either.

Possessing a confidence I hadn't had since he almost hit me with that glass jug, I approached him. "I see why you love photography. Capturing moments, beauty, it's inspiring. Quite like how I love to paint. It'll make it a lot easier now to have the picture to look at for reference."

Ryan looked up at me and smiled. A small smile. One that didn't reach his sad eyes.

"I notice you haven't used your camera in forever," I nudged.

A slight head tilt and mouth shrug. "Don't have much reason to capture any memories lately. I have too many that I want to forget." He swallowed. "I wish I could take back what I did." His hazel eyes darkened. "A few bad decisions and it ends up costing me everything."

His eyes reddened, but no tears fell. It was a struggle to keep them in; it was in the rigidness of his body. Just because we weren't together anymore, and I didn't know what role he was going to play in this wedding, it didn't mean I couldn't offer him comfort. My pulse beat a racket though as I reached out for him, my earlier experiences with him screamed at me not to touch him. Gulping, I did. He didn't flinch and harden beneath my touch. He didn't look at me with evil snarling at me from his eyes.

Ryan softened beneath my touch, all of him did. His body, of course. And his heart. I could see it in his eyes. Uncontrolled emotion rose to the surface, and I smiled, my cheeks trembling from the restraint I'd been carrying around this whole time. I might have been pushing things a little too far, but I stepped in closer, shut my eyes, and hugged him before he realized he should push me away.

"I'm sorry." The words slipped from my lips.

"What?" His thumping heart pounded my eardrums, and his hands came up to stroke my back. "What are you apologizing for?" He pulled me no more than a couple inches away from him, enough to take hold of my face, but still keep me against him.

I missed this. Missed him so much.

The tears moved over the edge now as I gazed into his chaos. "For infecting your life, stealing your joy, turning you into..."

"Don't you ever say that again." He gripped my face a little tighter. I swallowed, a strange mix of fear and safety sloshing around inside me. "Don't you ever blame yourself for any of this."

"But...if you didn't..." I interrupted.

"If I didn't..." He cut me off. "If I didn't do a lot of things, but meeting you, falling in love with you wasn't one of the things I did wrong. In this whole mess, it's the only thing I got right. I fucked this up. Not you."

Not knowing when I was going to get this chance again, unsure whether or not he'd always be this approachable, I didn't allow myself to think too much. I just closed the gap between us, pressing my lips to his with the hunger and longing that had been burning hotter since that moment on the plane.

"Lily..." He broke the kiss and breathed heavily. "You don't want to do this."

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