Page 56 of Four Times Forever

Lying there with my eyes shut and sleep far away from me, there was an overwhelming pressure of nausea that promised me a rebirth if I spilled my contents on the floor next to this bed. I didn't want to move a single muscle. Maybe I would be better off dead. What of Lily then? Was it worth hiring men to protect us, lie for us, hide us from the law? I didn't know what I was doing. I could end up shaking hands with another devil. That was a risk I was hoping I wouldn't have to take.

I was used to having everything under control, taking care of everything, and this was out of my hands. In truth, this was a responsibility I didn't want any part of. But I was a part of it, whether I liked it or not. And I was willing to risk innocent lives in order to save ourselves. I mean, what kind of man would try to convince his friend to involve his sick parents in a scheme like this in the name of protection, knowing very well their lives would be at risk as well? As if they were nothing more than pawns to use and bend at our will. Yeah, it was Eric's idea first, but I didn't try to talk him out of it. And I knew better.

In those very moments, I dreamed of calling up my own mother, the boy in me needing someone to take the reins for a change. And yet, I didn't because I knew she wouldn't be able to handle it. That recovered or not, I wouldn't take the risk of tipping her over the edge. And that even if I'd been selfish enough to call her, she wouldn't be able to fix it. It would still be down to me. Like it always had been. But when it came to Eric's parents, I was all game.

"Hey." Matt's groggy voice was soft in my doorway. I didn't open my eyes, the action was too much.

"Hm." I growled beneath my breath.

"I arranged a flight for us in the morning." His voice cracked.

It took effort, but one of my eyes popped open to regard him. Matt had lost weight in the past few weeks. I didn't notice it until now as he rested against the doorframe as if he was relying on it to hold him up. He'd always been skinny, but he had under-eye circles now which made his eyes appear sunken in. When he set his jaw like that, biting down on his teeth, his bones were more obvious in his face and neck. His shirt was looser and his dark wavy hair had grown out its cut. He was the physical embodiment of my emotions.

Still, I couldn't find the willpower to offer him comfort. But when he sought it from me, I didn't refuse.

"I know you're straight and you don't have the same kind of friendship that Ryan and I have, but man to man, I could really use a hug." He broke down.

I was desperate for one, myself, so I extended one arm.

Chapter 43

Matt

When I got the call from Eric that he was heading over to the police station to pick up Ryan, the whole world flipped on its head. Lily, the life we could have forever, the opportunity to call her my wife, the silver lining to this dark web of misery, slipped from my fingers and I thought I was going to pass out from losing everything, all of me, at once. I had a moment where I swore to myself that I would never forgive him if he did what I assumed he must have. And when I learned that he didn't, it still didn't erase the anger. It didn't set everything right. I'd had my last straw. Even after he knocked me out cold.

Lily changed me. She really did. People say that sort of thing all the time, 'the person I love changed me,' and you're never really sure what they mean. I'm sure they know deep down their reason for saying that. My reason lies in why I fell in love with her. Her selflessness. I know it took a lot out of her to cut her mother off, because after years of abuse, there she was, tender with her. It was due time for her to let her go. I know she wouldn't have just given up on her, no matter how horrible she's been to her. She still hasn't even given up on Ryan.

So, even when I convinced myself I'd had it with Ryan, the moment he stepped through the door and I saw the torment and the havoc it wreaked on him, I remembered Lily.

"I know it's hard," I said, picking up my bag that hadn't been unpacked. "But think of this as a fresh start. You have a choice here, Ryan. I'm not going to force you to come. And if you want, I can figure out a way to get you to stay without the guys knowing, at the very last minute. You can stay here and continue destroying yourself or you can come with us. You're not trapped. But know this. If you do decide to come with us, you have to learn the art of pretending, just like the rest of us."

Ryan was silent for a beat, his head dropping into his hands. He'd had quite the night and had been up most of the morning vomiting, since mixing the pill with all the alcohol in his system was probably not a good idea. How was I supposed to know that? He needed some peace. And so did I.

"Where are we going?" he asked.

"If we were able to trust you, I could tell you that. But you've proven to us that you're fickle, Ryan. We can't keep living on the edge, wondering whether today is the day your guilty conscience convinces you to fuck us all over." I grimaced.

"Matt..." He gasped, looking up at me as if he couldn't believe what he was hearing.

I gulped. "You're just going to have to decide if you trust us enough to keep you safe. I think we've proven that much to you."

"Matt, I'm sorry," he started.

"I don't need another apology. We're leaving in a few minutes and I want to know what you're deciding on. Now, Lily's convinced that we're going away on a romantic vacation. And as crazy as it sounds, I'd like to buy into that fantasy, because we don't know how long we have left. I don't want to waste it..."

"Running around after me." Ryan nodded.

"That's not what I meant," I pushed the words out. He looked up at me. We both knew it was exactly what I meant.

Ryan was going to have to be able to take on some of the responsibility for his own healing, his own safety, his own decisions from now on, because we were all running from the same thing. I couldn't neglect myself and everyone else to run around after him when he was choosing to be reckless. At some point, he had to want the same things we wanted too, or I was going to make myself sick.

"Doesn't sound like I should even be there." He took a deep, heavy breath.

"That depends on you," I reminded him.

"Does it? I don't really fit into the whole 'romantic illusion' you're trying to sell her, do I? Will she even want me there?" He ground his jaw.

"Of course she will. And that's just a front, obviously. This is about keeping our asses safe." I glared at him.

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