Page 19 of Four Times Forever

"My mother won't be there. I know it sounds silly. I didn't think I'd want her there, but..." She paused. "Do you think I made the right decision sending her away today?"

Are you kidding me? Hell fucking yes.

"Well, she couldn't exactly stay against her will, could she? She wanted to go." I reminded her.

"Yeah, she says that. But I think she was expecting me to come with her." Lily slumped.

"You're your own woman now, Lils. Unless you wanted to go with her..." I said.

"No, that's not what I mean." She assured me.

"Then, you've got to be able to let it go." I walked into her, objective in sight. Taking her hair in between my fingers, I kept eye contact. "You're finally free. You get to be you."

"I don't know who that is." She choked up.

"You have all the time in the world to figure it out. No one's going anywhere. I mean, do you need more proof? I've got a carload filled with wedding stuff because I can't wait to marry you. My parents can't wait to meet you. They've got their hopes set on the wedding too." I paused and looked away.

"I'd like to meet them too." She pondered and I looked up to see her smiling.

"They could use the cheering up. This wedding is a good thing for all of us." Am I taking the guilt-tripping thing too far? "All I'm saying is, you were excited before your mother made you doubt yourself. You're allowed to be excited, you know? Happy? Let go of this need to be the one your mother relies on. Ethan and Matt have made sure she'll have the best care for the rest of her life. And you get to actually start living yours. Don't let her take this away from you. Away from us." I stooped before her and picked her up off the stool.

Damn, that laughter was so beautiful, and I didn't feel a smidge of regret for using whatever I could to persuade her to marry me. I wanted to marry her so that we could make our promise to each other official. I didn't want to make it easy for her to walk away from me, whether or not she found out what we did. Because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. Sometimes you only get a chance with a first, real love, once. Twice if you're lucky. After nearly losing her to the men we helped to kill, I counted this as the third charm. More than three chances is unheard of.

"You get to reinvent yourself, Lily. It's exciting."

"But Ryan..." Her laughter stopped.

"Is as head over heels in love with you as the day you guys fell for each other behind my back. You remember that?" I teased. "He's still the same Ryan he always has been."

"That's the problem. I wonder whether I know him at all..." She moaned.

No, no, no. I couldn't have her mind going there. I couldn't have her doubting who Ryan was, who any of us were. This was not the time for her to be looking at us too closely.

"You do," I reassured her.

"Do I? Has he always had a drinking problem that I didn't know about?" she asked.

"Not as long as I've known him, and I've known him over a decade. Almost losing you was just a lot to handle. For all of us. We all cope differently. That's why I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that marrying you will be the highlight of his life. And none of us are alone. We all got each other. Say yes, please, Lily." I just about managed to keep the whining out of my voice.

Chapter 14

Lily

The picture he painted for me was so full of color. Hope breathed new life into me. I wanted what he was offering me, telling me I could have. I was even starting to believe I deserved it. I wanted to believe that committing to them for the rest of my life wasn't as rash a decision as my mother implied. Her claims were ridiculous anyway; I knew that.

I mean, Eric was a mess moments ago when he thought he had run over a deer. It was asinine to think that he would be capable of harming anyone, and if he told me I could trust Ryan, I believed him. Besides, it wouldn't just be me and Ryan. Should he become like my father, I'd have three men to protect me, and he'd have those same three men to walk him through his darkness.

Before my mother's words, I saw our future ahead of us, all four of us at the altar, promising ourselves to each other, years from then, old and gray, still jetting off on vacations because we didn't have children. Oh, man. I'd love a vacation. That was so selfish of me. Look at all I had, and I had the audacity to worry. Worry about what? I had it all. I believed in Ryan's goodness. Eric's warm biceps wrapped around me now gave merit to his promise that he was here. He wouldn't abandon me. And at the core of the matter, that's what it was all about, wasn't it?

Abandonment.

I'd been through therapy; I knew that's where a lot of my issues lay. It was triggered deeply today as my mother shattered the fantasy I'd created around her while she was helpless and safe. I didn't want to get it all wrong, and I'd rather run as fast and as far as I could, instead of fucking up again and hoping, only to lose the people I loved. My heart bloomed with the same kind of hope Eric filled me with when he returned to my life, and I grabbed hold of that feeling, my body buzzing, my nipples hardening as I remembered the rush that came with his promises, his validation of my worth.

I deserved the wedding of my dreams, to marry the men I loved, and to hell with what the therapist said about walking away. Before, I had no one to watch my back as I made ridiculous decisions. Now, I wasn't on my own. And Ryan shouldn't be either.

Needing to preserve that same sense of rebirth and hope that Eric walked back into my life and reminded me of, before the kidnapping and Terry's death, and mom waking up from catatonia and abandoning me all over again, I pressed my lips to his. Keeping hold of the promise he was selling me, I molded my body against him and wrapped my legs around his waist.

"Yes." I nodded.

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