Page 107 of Four Times Forever

Actions have consequences. And yes, not only had I lost Lily forever, I'd one hundred percent lost my best friends for good by dropping them in it. But I'd already lost them before, by hurting Lily. What's losing them again? What's the point of anything, really? And I didn't drop them in it because I was being a little bitch. I decided to stop lying. And damn, that relief I didn't feel once Lily found out, it was there now, fluttering through me like a butterfly. That was it. Nothing to arrest my soul. Arrest my body, sure. It's what I deserve. I'm...free.

Fuck, it was depressing.

"You have a visitor," the guard announced at my cell. I thought he was talking to my cellmate, so I didn't get out of bed.

It had been one night in prison, sleeping on this cardboard and iron. I didn't think I was entitled to visitors yet. There came that maniacal laugh again. Even if I was, who the hell would come and look for me? I had no one. My former best friends were also in prison, somewhere. I had no idea if they'd been locked up in the same prison with me or taken elsewhere. My mom was dead. I didn't have a dad. I ain't got no siblings.

"Ayo, fresh meat." Bunched up socks that used to be white and smelled like death landed smack dab in the center of my face. "He's talking to you." The bulky man sleeping on the other cardboard and metal frame above me grinned.

"Haha." I threw the sock back up to him rather than send it flying out the fucking cell because it was my first night here and I didn't want to get shanked in my sleep, if I managed to get any sleep at all.

"Get up. This is your last chance." The guard barked and I turned around, curious. He was looking straight at me.

Fuck.

He was talking to me. I jumped up so fast I missed hitting my head on the bottom of the top bunker by a whistle. Who the hell was here to visit me? It couldn't be Lily. She was sure to be dead set on not seeing me again for the rest of her...

"Lily!" My eyes bulged out of my head as we turned the corner into the visiting room. And fuck, there was an empty seat waiting for me, next to Matt, Ethan and Eric. Ka-boom! My head exploded. Oh shit.

They all turned around to look at me. I couldn't read the guys' expressions. To be fair, I wasn't looking at them. I was locked onto Lily. The flower that stood out amongst all flowers in that garden on the first day that we met. And I lost her. I could kick myself.

She had her short blond hair pulled back into a ponytail like she wasn't here to mess around, she meant business. A feathered bang shadowed her eyes. Her pink pretty lips that I used to have the privilege of claiming on mine, on my body, wrapped around my...cock—ahem, damn, What a fucking loser I am to mess things up this bad! — was set into a no nonsense purse.

My legs trembled like a kid about to face their mother's lashing and I was ready to turn around and flee. Yet, she was like a magnet. I couldn't resist the pull she had on me.

Calm down, Ryan. She's here to let you all have it in one go. Bear the pain of her scorn, you deserve it.

I chanted inside my head as I made my way over to the empty seat. My heart was in my asshole. As I sat down I wondered what to say. There was nothing that would make any of this okay. So I just sat. Matt, Ethan and Eric shuffled in their seats, cut me a look and said nothing either.

"How are you guys doing?" Lily reached out to the window separating us. Up close now, there was a definite storm brewing in her eyes.

I squeezed my hand into a fist, digging my nails into its heel so that I could cause myself some sort of pain, as payment for the pain I'd caused her. It wasn't enough. Yeah, all my fears about rotting in this cell would suffice. I'd think of her eyes in this very moment every time I wanted to leave this fucking place. They'd have to force me out, because I wasn't going anywhere. I was taking this punishment.

"It's fucked in here, Lily. I'm not built for prison," Eric shook his head and a helpless smile touched his lips. I swallowed the bile rising up inside of me. "But I did a crime worthy of prison, so this is my own doing."

I whipped around to look at him so fast. There were no words.

"Yeah. It is what it is. We couldn't keep running from this for the rest of our lives. If we do the crime, we have to be prepared to do the time." Ethan took a deep breath.

Matt nodded.

What on earth?

"Ryan?" Lily's hoarse voice pulled my attention back to her. Man, I wanted to pull down this window between us and hug her.

"Yeah?" When I tried to speak, my voice was all cracked. The wind had been knocked out of me. Did their admissions mean they didn't hate me?

"How are you doing?" she asked again.

I was still wondering if this was a trick question.

I shook my head. "It doesn't matter. How are you doing?"

"It does matter. Turning yourself in...it was brave. A part of me hates that you did it." Her tears fell and my stomach cramped.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. A compliment. I didn't deserve it.

"But the rest of me loves you so much for doing it. For forcing these ones to take accountability too." She struck a thumb in their direction with an affectionate smile that trembled with the tears falling down her face. "I miss you all so much. I don't know who I am without you."

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