Page 70 of Four Times Forever

"Stop that. As much as you deserve a kicking for what you did, it won't help anyone if you abuse yourself. All that will do is continue to prove that you're a danger to yourself and others. If you want to win Lily back, you have to show her you're worth forgiving. You have to show all of us. And even then, I wouldn't blame her if she doesn't take you back." I stroked the back of his hand.

He slipped it out of my hold.

"And how the hell am I supposed to win back the woman I was so reckless with and I'm lying to, on top of everything else? I don't deserve to have her back," he repeated.

"Well, first you have to stop feeling so damn sorry for yourself and stop thinking about how this is all affecting you. How much you messed up, how much you don't deserve Lily, how much guilt you're feeling for killing two assholes who deserved it, how much you can't live with it... This isn't about you, Ryan." My voice grew more fiery with every word. "I keep telling you that." I breathed, getting up from beside him as the conversation became too much to carry.

"I thought you'd forgiven me." He noted the bitter edge to my tone.

"Just because I let you into my ass, it doesn't mean you've wormed yourself back in here." I patted my chest. "Lily owns my heart. You share a piece of it. If you fuck up with her again, so help me, I'll make you regret it. You have to decide how important she is to you and whether or not she's worth protecting, from anyone or anything. Even yourself."

"And the wedding?" he called after me.

"How long do you plan to drag your feet for?" I returned over my shoulder. "We won't wait for you forever."

Chapter 51

Ryan

As much as Matt said that I should stop focusing on myself so much and focus on Lily, I had to figure out why I did what I did and make sure that I didn't do it again. There was no use pretending that I wasn't angry with her when I threw that pitcher. I didn't throw that pitcher because I was curious about the weight of it and excited about the sound it would make when it crashed into the ground.

I was angry with her for booking me a therapist. I didn't think a therapist would do me any good when I couldn't open up about what was driving me crazy without being arrested on the spot. I couldn't open up to her or anyone else about it. I was drowning on my own.

I was angry with Eric for telling me to calm down instead of sharing in the understanding of what we were both hiding and considering me for once.

I didn't think, not of her or anyone.

I saw the pitcher, my blood was coming to a boil, and I needed to throw my energy into something. I wanted to break something. So I picked it up and I threw it as soon as the idea entered my head.

It was never supposed to be aimed at her, but I took a reckless risk when I spun around and flung it toward Eric, who was standing next to her. I didn't spare a second to think about where she figured into the direction of the pitcher. And I didn't intend to hit Eric either.

It doesn't matter what I intended.

The fact is I was angry with them both, and I was so driven by my anger that I wanted to hurt someone. Whether or not I wanted to hit Eric with the pitcher, I wanted to get him to stop telling me what to do. To frighten him, maybe. It doesn't matter. I could have hit them both.

And that's the problem. Becoming so blinded by rage that I don't think about the safety of the people around me. I'm not fit to be a friend, a boyfriend, or a husband, until I figure out why it happened. No amount of catering to Lily, buying her gifts, apologizing, tending to her desires, joking around like old times, or talking to her will reassure me that I won't let myself get to that point again.

I scrubbed the internet for self-help books, wishing there was one written specifically for me: a man who never laid his hand on a woman yet almost hit the woman he loves, didn't think he was capable of killing someone yet plunged a knife into someone's neck and stood by as the other guys finished off the job, and didn't have a drinking problem before and is now an alcoholic who can't get through the day without aching for a drink.

So, why did I do it?

Growing up in an inner-city neighborhood in Detroit, violence was ingrained into us. The easiest thing to do was to fall into the familiar. But taking the easy way out wasn't in my nature. Look at me, I'm a dark-skinned bisexual man with a freelance photographer income who fell in love with my best friend's girlfriend and got lucky that he didn't cut me off forever. At least, not for that. Our friendship, now — damn, I have so much to fix.

I fought to be different, to be the complete opposite of what I knew. Created a life for myself, took care to structure my character. Built an identity. Became someone I could be proud of. Why? Because I wanted better for myself.

And in the blink of an eye, I became someone I didn't — that's a lie, I became someone I recognized, but it was like looking into the mirror and seeing all your demons' faces smiling back at you. All the faces from the past jeering me for trying to be different and failing. It was the parts of me that were destined to manifest because of my upbringing. Everything I suppressed, thought I wasn't, thought I was better than had come pouring in like a reckless flood destroying everything I thought I knew about myself, all my values left behind in the wreckage.

So, how do I fix things with Lily? I begin by fixing things with myself, and as much as I don't like it, accept that I was always destined to be this.

I am a dangerous person. Officially a murderer.

"Great. Don't forget, a potential abuser, a liar, a coward, and a terrible friend." I groaned, shutting my eyes against the lowering sun and fighting the urge to get myself a drink to flush away my reality.

If I stand any chance at all with Lily, I'm going to have to learn to add 'manipulator' to my list of titles as well because I want her back more than I want to be punished. I'm going to have to find a way to become okay with lying to her about who I am.

And if I'm going to do that, I'm going to need a clear head. So, starting today, I'll let my addiction burn through me and torture me. I won't touch a drop. I won't rely on anyone else to pick me up. I need to take responsibility for what I've done, accept it and make the changes to move forward, even if it kills me in the process. I'd rather be in agony with Lily, than lose her.

I know I don't deserve it, but I hope it pays off before the wedding.

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