Page 50 of Four Times Forever

"No." I shook my head, my throat going dry. "You don't think he would've gone to the police, do you?"

"He wouldn't be so stupid." Eric shook his head, but his eyes were bulging, mirroring the doubts that were screaming inside my head.

"What's the last thing he said to you?" I asked Matt, uneven current gathering in my fingertips and making my whole body numb.

"Only that he needed some spa..." His voice trailed off. "The beers. They weren't in the room just now, were they?"

Eric's face went slack and he swallowed. "I left them on the windowsill. They weren't there. I assumed one of you picked it up."

"Wasn't me." I gulped. "Fuck. What do you think he'll do if he's drunk, scared and reckless?"

"Maybe go to the cops," Matt echoed.

"Shit. We've got to go find him." Eric started hurrying down the stairs.

"Where?" I whispered, on his tail.

"I don't fucking know," he hissed.

"Eric! Where are you rushing off to?" Eric's mother stopped him, startling all of us. She emerged from the shadows. Eric flicked on the light.

"What are you doing alone in the dark?" Eric rushed toward her.

"I like the quiet. It helps me think. Plus, I need to face my fears and one of them is being on my own in the living room with random noises and your father in the house. Never mind that. Is everything okay?" she asked, worry lines aging her.

"Yeah. Yeah. Everything's okay, Mom." Eric shot us a look before wrapping his arm around his mother. "Why don't I sit with you?"

"You seemed like you were in a rush..." she started.

"Oh, no. I was just seeing them out. They've got to find a last-minute booking at a hotel, don't they?" He shot me a pointed look.

The message was clear. Go and find Ryan and stop him before he does something stupid.

Lily

Was it too late to ask the guys if I could stay with them at the hotel? Even if Ryan was going to be there. I actually did miss him earlier, even if my mind told me it was better this way. As amazing as the sex was, it wasn't the same without him. I think it was the first time since we'd — technically — broken up, that we had group sex without including him. It was more than that, though.

I was healthier now, making better choices for myself, choosing not to be with someone who might harm me.

But it didn't mean I'd stopped loving or wanting him.

Lying here in bed, with the noise in my head, I wanted all four of them more than I ever had. Apart from the one night we slept apart back at the mansion, it wasn't something I was comfortable with. Because of the nightmares. Mine and theirs. Granted, with them, the nightmares were a lot less threatening and were kept at bay, for the most part recently. But when they happened, I was accustomed to waking up and knowing they'd be there, or comforting them, Ryan included. It had taken some getting used to, sleeping without him. And now, in this bed, alone, I had this unfounded fear that I'd have to learn to start sleeping alone, forever.

I didn't like that.

I wanted to marry them so that I could be with them for the rest of my life. Even Ryan.

What was wrong with me?

I should have been steadfast in my healthier decisions and never gone near him again. Not after seeing the resemblance to my father and Marco inside him as of late. But you know what it was? I couldn't deny that I was also seeing my own. My anger that I ran away from, my bad habits that tempted me day in and day out, the tease of escaping into drugs and drinking when things were unclear or unsteady. I knew him because I could see myself in him and that's what kept me hanging on. If the shoe was on the other foot, I wouldn't have wanted someone to give up on me because I'd succumbed to my weakness. But I would have respected them if they did. Congratulated them, actually.

If I took him back, what would that say about my self-respect? He might not have hit me yet, but he could have. Even if he wasn't aiming for me, he was reckless with my safety. How could I think about marrying someone like that? I kept thinking it made it okay, because I wouldn't just be marrying him. Matt, Ethan and Eric had proven to me that my safety was their priority, even if it meant protecting me from Ryan. But what message would I be sending to him? That it was okay to lose control?

Hell, I was so confused.

I didn't even know if he liked me anymore and here I was, thinking about marriage. You don't get that touchy and defensive with someone you love. Everything I did seemed to upset him. And yes, he apologized, but he'd also kept his distance. Which was good, I thought. Except, I didn't know if that meant he'd given up on us. Or if I'd given up on him. Clearly, I hadn't. Otherwise I wouldn't have been lying in bed overthinking.

Okay, the real reason I was lying in bed overthinking was because I hated the thought of going to sleep. I wouldn't have wanted to offend Eric by leaving, but I was sure he'd understand if I wanted to stay at the hotel with the other guys, rather than here, in this bed, in a strange house, with strange sounds. All by myself.

---