Page 48 of Four Times Taken

"If it's any consolation, it didn't exactly look like she hated the idea," I said.

"Yeah, well, there's a difference between teasing an idea and full-on introducing several other 'someones' to the bedroom," he said.

My cock hardened at that. It shouldn't. This was a serious conversation.

He pulled away from me and stalked across the room. "I didn't know I was a pervert. We're all perverts."

"Okay. Calm down. You're not a pervert. You have nothing to be ashamed of. For a lot of people, this is normal." Matt shrugged.

Ethan nodded.

"In your filthy rich circles, I'm sure orgies are normal. But this is more than just an orgy situation with any old random you can find at a sex club. I'm only comfortable with the thought of it because it's you guys. With Lily's history with men, I doubt she'd be as comfortable with it. I don't know why I've even brought it up." He paused and reached for his phone. "It's her." He read in silence, and we hung on every second before he raised his reddened eyes to look at us. "She just broke up with me." He sniffed and cleared his throat.

Speechless, we all looked from one to the other. We must have made her uncomfortable as hell. "No." I stood up. "We'll all go over there." I gestured to Ethan and Matt. Eric shook his head. "We'll apologize for objectifying her and not respecting what you both share," I continued, but he raised his hand to shut me up, his jaw tense.

"She doesn't want to see us. Okay? Said thanks for everything..." He read the text aloud. "But it'd be best for her and me if we went our separate ways. 'Don't call. Don't text me. Don't show up on my doorstep unannounced.' He cleared his throat with aggression. 'I'm sorry. Please respect my decision.' I... uh. I'm sorry. I need a minute." He waved us away before grabbing his keys and heading out the door.

Well, that just took a left turn. I sank in the couch cushions, my head in my hand as I groaned aloud. We had crossed the line... bad. Fuck.

Chapter 31

Eric

The ocean was just a pool of collective tears cried throughout the millennia, sucked up by the sky and spat out again. They said a man wasn't supposed to cry, but I cried. In this safe place, where all my emotions blended in with the echo of millions more. Where the sand was a warm bed offering a comforting hug when I needed it.

The wind whipped my hair around my face, and the afternoon sun baked my skin as I closed my eyes against it. The waves and wind sang or wailed, depending on the mood. Today, they wailed like a broken instrument, like the strings popped off my heart, playing mournful songs. I breathed in the salty air, and it made its way past the lump in my throat. My pores opened up to accept the sweeping breeze and together, the elements rocked me back and forth, encouraging me to let it all out. But loss wasn't easily embraced.

Pulling out my phone out of vlogging habit, I went to snap a picture or film the scenery ahead, but I ended up reading her message over and over again, instead, my hope being stolen on repeat. Temptation tugged at me, encouraging me to pour my heart out to Lily and beg for her forgiveness. But what's the point? I had thought about scaring her away again during sex and now, less than twenty-four hours after, it had come to pass. Did I think too hard? Manifest this, somehow? Tracing my finger over a picture I took of her when she wasn't looking, my shoulders grew weak in an attempt to support my neck.

Sinking my eyes into the heel of my hands, I practiced steady breaths as my body lost control, threatening to tremble out of my grasp. My heart built up a racket, hoping I'd be able to manifest a reset with my thoughts. But people weren't objects. They couldn't be 'manifested' or 'manipulated' into doing what we wanted.

We'd been blessed with free will, and that meant that no matter how hard I wished, I couldn't make her come to me if she didn't want to. She had the freedom to do what she wanted and right now, she wanted nothing to do with me. It was about time I respected that. I was tired of chasing her only to be pushed away. It was like I was being punished for my thoughts, and you know what, I deserved it. She was better off without a man who would be so willing to pass her around to other men as if she meant nothing. Even if I didn't bring it up to her, I thought about it, and that was enough. She dodged a bullet with me.

Yet, as I grabbed a fistful of sand, letting the coarseness force its way in the rough of my hand, I knew I was cheapening it with my thoughts. It was because I saw how she reacted to Ryan, why I welcomed the idea. For her. Thinking she might be into that, I let myself run away with a fantasy I didn't know I wanted. I must have misread her reactions. Clearly. She'd run a mile. And I didn't blame her.

Exhausted, I attempted to lift the heavy weight off my chest with a breath. Instead, I was knocked backward into the sand with my tears streaming down the side of my face.

I was done. I had messed up.

But messing up with Lily was like walking on eggshells. I thought I was okay with it, but I wasn't. I didn't know what to do or where to go next. I hadn't filmed a vlog since returning to Durham, and I was far from being motivated now. All I knew was that I needed some rest. My head and my body needed to breathe. I couldn't keep forcing something with Lily when it wasn't meant to be.

If it were, it wouldn't be this hard. If it were meant to be, we'd find our way back to each other seamlessly. The problem was that things had never been seamless between us.

Matt

Aw, man. Just as I was being put at ease, everything crashed. I wouldn't admit it to the guys or to Lily for that matter, but yesterday fulfilled me. Not in that 'doing a good deed for someone and reaping a reward' kind of way. It filled a hole inside me.

Home isn't something I've had. Yes, I have parents who made sure none of us would go hungry or homeless, helped by generational wealth. I've had the best education money can buy, up until high school at least. I know how to play several instruments, a little bit at least. And I've learned about the different artists even if I don't remember their names. The plates we've eaten off cost more than the money I spent yesterday, helping to fix Lily's walls. I've had it all, except home.

I've struggled with my identity for a long time. Struggled with a sense of belonging. My mother couldn't be bothered with nurturing, and my father was far too serious to show emotion. On the yacht, on family holidays, his attention would be pulled away by work phone calls. My mother's, too. And I saw my nanny more than I saw them during 'normal' days. I wasn't sure when I was allowed to 'interrupt their busy schedule' for some bonding time. So, by high school, I stopped trying. When I told them I'd be taking some time to find myself instead of attending college, they couldn't care less.

So, I'd left to find adventure. Find myself. And somewhere I belonged. I've been searching for that ever since, having moments of self-discovery and belonging along the way, but nothing like this. Being a part of Lily's life, if only for a day, has taught me deep lessons about compassion and forgiveness, never giving up on your family no matter how much they've hurt you. It's a little codependent and kind of a broken concept, in terms of Lily's circumstance, but dare I say it, it's also healing. Especially for someone like me.

Her selflessness is inspiring. I've given to charities because of the guilt of having more money than I know what to do with. I know that others need it, and I have it, so I give. I don't think of the people after though. It's like, I've done my part, did my good deed for the year and alleviated my guilt for a moment.

But to care so deeply for someone who didn't protect you when you needed them to, who made your life harder than it had to be and was more of a burden than they were your protector, it's nothing short of miraculous. How can you not be swept up in that sort of magic? She deserves the world.

I don't know whether it's just being inspired by her to also forgive my parents, or it's that guilt again, but my whole body is alert around her. With the need to provide for her, ease her burdens, give her all that I have and perhaps, all that I am. I want to be wrapped into her energy, so that it can move through me and transform me, every day. I want to be around her almost all the time, though I won't admit it, because come on, let's be honest. It's kind of ridiculous for all of us to be bewitched by her. Before yesterday, I wasn't sure I even liked her as a person, until I lived in her shoes for a day and had my soul do a whole one-eighty.

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