Page 3 of Four Times Taken

I look forward to seeing her because she breaks up the mundane, but it also heightens my anxiety because there's no familiar structure. You'd think I'd be accustomed to it by now since she used to be the one to babysit me whenever our family was stationed in the US, until I was old enough to stay at home on my own, that is. But it still kicks my anxiety into full throttle.

While I like the spontaneous visits, trips to the beach, learning to surf, the easy way she makes friends with everyone, and her high bubbly energy, it's no longer constant. It's here for a moment. The house is filled with life whenever we're in it if we're not finding some outside activity to get up to. And in another moment, I come home to complete silence. Except for one hour at night, when my parents call to make sure I'm following the rules and routines before reassuring me that they'll be home soon.

Lily didn't stop walking. When I got closer, I heard the rock music pounding out from the headphones beneath her hoodie. This was the perfect opportunity for a prank. Sneaking up behind her, I slipped my hand in hers.

She spun around, wielding fists before I could fall into step with her. My eyes flew open, but I'm grinning as her look of disgust morphed into humorous annoyance. She punched my chest before slipping her hoodie off and removing her headphones.

"What the hell's wrong with you?" she breathed. "I was about to knock your teeth straight out of your head!" she scowled, but her eyes twinkled, and her cheeks flushed.

I grinned. "I don't doubt you could. Was wondering if you wanted to have lunch at the beach?"

It's common for us to go to the beach fifteen minutes away and eat sandwiches I made at home. That's our secluded spot, underneath some trees where we can let the loud waves drown out the sound of our voices as we open up to each other.

"Thought you ditched me for the cool kids today," she said, looking back at the lunch table where Christina and the other girls grimaced at us.

"Oh, so, you were keeping an eye on me, were you?" I teased.

I'm in a grade above hers, so we only saw each other before school, during lunchtime, after school, and if I made the effort to purposely bump into her between periods, we might have seen each other in the hallways.

We already spent too much time together. Within the past few years, before moving here, I had promised myself that I wouldn't form deep connections with anyone anymore, since I'd have to pack up and leave them behind again. Form superficial friendships because it gets lonely, 'live in the moment' as my aunt says, rise to the top of the food chain by joining sports to avoid being the 'awkward, out of place, new kid' over and over again, because people love jocks, take it for what it is, have fun, and leave. That's been my motto.

But it's been impossible to keep things superficial with Lily. When I first saw her, I recognized something in her. By the way she dressed and kept to herself, shutting down the mocking voices around her, I knew she'd been carrying some darkness. I admired the way she didn't care what anyone thought about her when I cared too much. She spoke to the need within me to stop trying to be so damn likable all the time, but it was all I had going for me. It stopped me from falling into a deep depression or becoming a walking anxiety bomb.

I wanted her to like me more than I'd wanted anyone else to like me, because I had a secret. I had a crush on her. I'd had a crush on her since I met her. At first, I thought it might be fun to flirt, maybe go out together a couple of times and keep things casual. But she wasn't the casual type. It was a relief when she said she was a lesbian. It closed off the possibility of anything happening between us, which meant I could focus my energy on winning her over as a friend.

As we grew closer, I noticed that she didn't flirt with or seem interested in any girl at the school and after questioning her about it, she admitted within one month that she'd lied. That was also a relief. I was conflicted.

It meant I had a shot, but it was a shot I knew I couldn't take. So, I've been keeping this secret, fighting the urge to 'accidentally bump into her' between periods or make up excuses not to spend every lunch break with her, especially whenever I'm feeling more vulnerable. But she's Lily. I miss her when we're apart for too long.

"Ha! Don't flatter yourself," she scoffs. "Well, if you want to stay in the good graces of the 'cool kids,' you probably shouldn't piss Christina off."

"Ah, she'll get over it," I say. "And if she doesn't, oh well. You won't abandon me, will you?" I ask.

"Aw, I don't know yet." She hooks her arm in mine and starts walking. Getting to this point had been huge for Lily. She wasn't a fan of physical touch; she'd bristle if I so much as brushed against her.

With her, I'm a winner. Her smile is the prize. Getting her to trust me was no easy feat. I hate the men in her life who have left her so broken.

"Ouch." I grip my chest, though I know I'm the one who'll end up abandoning her, and it hurts like hell to think about it. "Oh, wait for me by the car." I pull out of her hold. "I forgot the sandwiches," I say, using that moment as an excuse to put some distance between us.

"Ooh, what is it this time?" she asks.

"I made one chicken and two tunas." I

'm a protein guy, and we'd been eating too much peanut butter and jelly the past week. I could see how bored she was getting, so I thought I'd switch it up. She grimaced at the thought of tuna. I didn't know why. I loved tuna and mayo sandwiches. I grinned. "You want the chicken?"

"Yes, please." She beamed.

As I made sandwiches for us, I noticed she wouldn't bring lunch to school or buy any at the cafeteria. She'd make up excuses like she 'forgot her lunch' or 'forgot her money,' but I knew better. I had way too much food for one person anyway, I didn't feel good eating when she wasn't, so I'd offer to share mine until I brought her a separate sandwich. It's one of the ways I managed to win her trust and get her to like me. Food is the way to anyone's heart.

Back at my Toyota Corolla, I gave her the lunch bag and thermos before jumping in. The ocean breeze bit a little harder the closer we got. It's bearable, but despite her hoodie, she wrapped her arms around herself as we stepped out of the car. Our feet sank into the sand, and she tripped as I pulled her into my side for a hug. She must have felt the chill more than usual because she didn't push me away. She even laughed along with me when she almost fell.

Salt water sprinkled against our faces as we bit into our sandwiches. The sand became our seat. Gazing out at the choppy sea, the noise in my head wasn't so loud. She zoned out, losing herself for a moment. The brown of her eyes turned glossy.

"You okay?" I asked.

She sniffled and wiped the tear as soon as it left her eye.

"Is it your brother?" I rubbed her shoulder.

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