Page 78 of A Whole New Play

Shit.

I turn back around. My parents and sister look at me, as do the twins and Morgan. The latter’s brows are raised with meaning.

I exhale a short breath and settle back into my seat. “I’m not sure, buddy,” I tell my son. I bite the inside of my cheek to refrain from saying anything else.

My gut tells me I’m to blame for Valerie’s abrupt departure, but I’m at a loss for what I did to upset her.

Or how the hell I’m going to make it right… if I even can.

24

VALERIE

I’m a child.

A jealous, petulant juvenile who doesn’t deserve to be called an adult.

The words became my silent mantra. I used them to chastise myself for my ridiculous behavior throughout the entire baseball game.

I’d gotten control of myself before I returned to my seat after rushing off. I smiled and cheered when appropriate. I laughed when Abby and Andy challenged me to a footrace like the one we saw during the seventh-inning stretch. And I answered Mr. and Mrs. Jones’ questions about growing up the daughter of a well-respected football coach.

From the outside, I seemed okay. But on the inside, I couldn’t shake my foul mood. And I only had my insecurity to blame.

Then again, my mother’s most recent texts certainly didn’t help.

When are you going to stop this nanny business and get a real job?

You’re wasting your potential! Employers aren’t going to look kindly on someone who is unemployed for months on end without an excuse.

You’re ruining your professional reputation!

I should’ve known better than to send her the picture of me and the twins in front of the Loons stadium. Thank God I didn’t send her the one that included Carter. She would’ve accused me of playing at a happy family, for sure.

Would she be wrong?

I ignore the thought.

My mom’s message wouldn’t have been as annoying if she hadn’t started the conversation by asking about my well-being. I’d been touched by the gesture. Sharon Williams isn’t known for small talk, and it meant a lot that she’d reach out. I thought she’d enjoy seeing the photo.

It was dumb of me.

All my mom cares about is image. I’ve known that for a while now. But as I sit on this ornate metal bench outside my hotel in Minnesota, I reread my mom’s last text and it strikes me just how obsessed she is with how the outside world perceives me and, by extension, her.

I sigh.

Despite all that, I do love my mom. I just struggle with how to balance how much I want her in my life with how shitty her disapproval makes me feel. It’s not something a child should ever have to deal with.

Just think about Abby and Andy…

My mood plummets even further when I think of the twins’ mother.

I can’t say for sure which is worse, an absent mother or a perpetually disapproving one.

Both suck.

But when I think of the disappointed tears I’ve witnessed since becoming the twins’ nanny, I think absent mothers are worse for little kids. Especially ones who dangle false hope in their adorable faces.

Even though my mother is a piece of work, I’m a grown woman. I shouldn’t have let her ruin my mood to the point where I lost all sense of reason and let myself feel jealous of Carter’s and Morgan’s friendship.

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