Page 143 of Falling in Love with Two

He leads me out of the nursery and back to the living room. In the middle of the floor, he pulls me close, holding me while he sways even with no music playing.

“Have I told you lately how much I love you?” He says.

“You tell me you love me all the time.”

“You just had our baby. I don’t think that I’ve told you nearly enough.”

Looking up at him makes me feel the slightest bit better. “You can always tell me again.”

forty-nine

Flipping the Switch

Leah

We’ve been home almost a week now, but this is the first time that I’ve been alone with Luna. Dylan had to go to work since they are short staffed due to Jamie being on vacation. He offered to talk to Jack about him staying home with me, but I assured him I would be fine.

Now, I’m not so sure.

I’ve been trying to get Luna to latch properly for the past hour. Every time I get her to do it, though, it’s short-lived because my breasts aren’t producing like they should be. I keep telling myself that if she will just latch and start feeding that my milk supply will increase.

I’ve done everything the doctors have told me. I’ve eaten the foods that are supposed to increase supply. I’ve tried pumping.

Nothing is working.

I got these giant boobs that are basically worthless to me.

Tears prick my eyes because we are both beyond frustrated at this point.

Luna had her first appointment with the pediatrician today, and they told me that she’s not gaining weight like she should, and I feel like it’s all my fault. She was already early and underweight, and my lack of supply isn’t helping matters.

My negative energy must be affecting her because every time I hold her, she seems to be antsy—like she can’t settle herself.

Usually, Dylan is here to help with that. He’s always so calm, cool, and collected that it puts her at ease.

One week in, and I feel like I’m already failing as her mother. I should be her provider—her safe place. Instead, I’m the woman who has no real clue how to take care of her.

The tears start to flow freely as I look down at my crying baby.

“I’m so sorry,” I tell her.

Standing up, I start to bounce her as I walk. That calms her a little, but moments later, she’s even more angry than before.

How do single moms do this? They deserve all the props in the world because I’ve been alone a total of three hours, and I’m already losing my mind. I can’t imagine doing this full-time.

We try feeding again, but this time goes even worse than the first. A knock on the door has me trying to compose myself.

When I open the door, I see Suzanne standing there. She looks from me to the crying baby.

“Hey, I just dropped by to bring you guys some food. Everything okay?”

Without warning, I start sobbing. “No! I can’t do this!”

She quickly comes inside and sets the food on the counter before coming over to me and taking the baby.

Luna immediately calms down.

“Okay, how do you do that?” I cry. “Are you and your son baby whisperers or something?”

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