Page 39 of A Constant Love

I shook my head. “Nope. I figure you’ll tell me when you’re ready.”

Although I was curious as to what we were doing in an empty football field, I’d learned to let Sam do her thing. Clearly, this place meant something to her, but she’d tell me in her own time. Fuck, if coming here gave her some type of peace or closure, she didn’t have to explain herself at all.

We kept walking until we were on the field standing on the 50-yard line. She gazed around for a few moments before speaking. “Did I ever tell you I was a cheerleader?”

Although she never told me, I’d seen the picture of her in a uniform hanging on a wall in her dad’s house. “No, but I saw the photo. If I hadn’t seen it, I probably wouldn’t have believed it. You don’t strike me as the cheerleader type.”

She laughed. “I’m not. I wasn’t back then either. Since James was the quarterback though, he thought I should join the squad so I could come cheer him on.” She mocked throwing her hands in the air.

“How’d that work out?”

She laughed. “Horribly. I’m not exactly the most coordinated person, and I’m clumsy as fuck.”

Don’t I know it.

She continued, “I tried being friends with some of the girls on the squad, but all they wanted to do was gossip. Not really my cup of tea.”

I crossed my arms over my chest. “Yeah, you’ve never been one for the bullshit.”

“This place,” she gestured around us. “This place used to be heaven to me. I’d come here with Benny, and we would just hang out and watch the game. We were our own little band of misfits.

“After James and I got serious though, he didn’t want me hanging out with him anymore…hence why he wanted me to be a cheerleader. It got me away from Benny while letting him keep an eye on me. Found out later on that he was fucking half the squad while we were dating.”

She said the words like they didn’t hurt her, but I knew they must have.

“He’s a fucking asshole,” I muttered. “When the cops find him, they’ll be lucky if I don’t kill him myself.”

And I meant it. I wanted nothing more than knock James’ head off his fucking neck.

She turned to face me, “Ty, the reason I came to this place is because I need some type of closure here too. This was one of the places that used to be my heaven but quickly turned into my hell. I let it become my hell.

“After that night, I never set foot here again. I never came back to another game, never hung out with Benny again, never even stepped foot on this field for my graduation. But you know what?”

“What, Kansas?”

“Now that I’m here, it doesn’t seem so bad. I’ve wasted so much of my life being scared or hiding from my past that I missed out on so much. You know, I guarantee you that after my attack, I could have called Benny…or any one of my other guy friends, and they would have rushed to my side. They would have been there for me no matter what…especially Benny. He was my best friend in the world, and I just left him here in the dust. I treated him like he was part of the wreckage I needed to get away from. I ran away from my brothers…and my dad.” Her voice cracked at the mention of her father, and her eyes welled up.

I wrapped her in a hug but stayed silent.

“His wife killed herself, and I get attacked, and I just bailed. After years of helping him with the boys when Mama was too sick to do it, suddenly, I just leave the entire burden on him.”

“Sam, I don’t think that your dad or brothers or even Benny blame you for wanting to get the hell out of dodge after what happened.”

She shook her head. “Maybe they don’t, but I blame myself. Trust Fund, I’m sure that on this trip, you’re getting a glimpse into who I used to be. I was not to be fucked with. A damn hurricane, as my mama called me. I was never scared of anything. Until…”

I cut her off, “Sam, it’s okay to be scared after someone attacks and rapes you. That doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you human.”

“Problem is that I let James begin to change who I was long before that night. I let him manipulate me in every way imaginable. I didn’t fit his mold of perfection, but he was bound and determined to try to make me. Talk about trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. I hurt a lot of people along my quest to make him happy.”

“Well then, if you feel bad about these things, maybe it’s time to start making some amends…if you feel like you need to.”

“Maybe you’re right. Ty, I’m not saying that I was wrong for being scared after what happened. I’m saying that I kind of miss that little girl who was fearless though. And I hope coming here and making my peace with things will help me start to get back to that…or maybe find a happy medium where I am a little fearless but don’t go around punching people anymore,” she laughed.

“No matter how scared you may be, or how many people you punch, Kansas, I will love you through it all,” I said before pressing my lips to hers.

“Why do you have to be so perfect?” She smiled.

“Good genes,” I shrugged.

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