Page 87 of When The Night Falls

Aaron guffawed while I shook my head, chuckling. Men.

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I was grateful that Jason had come home because it was chiefly him who had entertained Aaron after William’s abrupt arrival and departure. I hadn’t been in the mood for socialising at all since then and had been counting the seconds till Aaron would leave. Shortly before midnight, he did, and the first thing I did afterwards was head into my bedroom to check my Instagram.

When I saw William’s message, my heart stilled in my chest. Very slowly, I found a seat on my bed and grimaced.

11:09

I’m coming over after work to watch Chelsea play. Hope your exam went well x

Brilliant. A reminder of his kind and decent character was precisely what I needed right now. It might as well have been a slap to the face or a punch in the gut. I knew I had hurt him, and the more I thought about it, the more it pained me to know. Eventually, tears welled up in my eyes, but they never coursed down my cheeks because I simply would not let them.

I was upset because I had hurt him, not because I felt I had done something wrong. I owed him no fidelity – we weren’t even dating – and I hadn’t known he would be here. He could hardly hold it against me that I would enjoy Aaron in my own home the way he probably enjoyed Francesca, Violet and Kate in his. The only difference was that he had a key to my flat, but that came with the risk of walking in on scenes like this.

Either way, he shouldn’t have had to witness that. I couldn’t imagine how nauseated I would have been had the roles been reversed – had I walked in on him and Violet, for example. There was something brutal about even just the idea. That sort of intimacy was unique, so to witness a person you had shared it with offer it to someone else, especially enthusiastically, seemed like a defilement.

I took a deep breath and focused on what to write to him. He hadn’t answered my apology earlier, but since he’d had a few hours to recover his equilibrium, perhaps he would now. Regardless, I wanted to apologise again to show that I had thought about this since so that he would know that it had sincerely bothered me.

I’m genuinely sorry you had to witness that. I don’t really know what else to say

I hadn’t anticipated that he would see it immediately, but he did. I sat there for quite some time, hoping to be told that he was typing a reply, but it never happened.

14 | limbo

I was in a pensive mood all of Friday. William had been active on Instagram several times without responding to my message, but what was there to say? That I was forgiven? That would require something to forgive, but I had done nothing wrong, and he knew that as well as I did.

Since I didn’t want to be a nuisance, I hadn’t sent him anything else. Nevertheless, remaining focused on my exams was nearly impossible. While I no longer expected to hear from him and was finally free of that anxiety, it hadn’t been half as satisfying as I had hoped, because I was left with the feeling that he was keeping his distance for the wrong reason; he was avoiding me because I had hurt him, not because he wanted to let me focus on my exams. In fact, it wasn’t impossible that he was staying silent to punish me for the pain I had caused him. I understood his need for space, but what I didn’t understand was his total lack of a reply. A simple thumbs-up would have sufficed.

I had no idea what was currently running through his mind, but thinking about it got me no further. I sat on all the questions while he sat on all the answers, and since we weren’t speaking, I doubted I would ever know them.

Ultimately, I was unable to appreciate the revelation that he hadn’t been able to friend-zone me either; it was no victory in the grand scheme of things. I had hurt a person I had started to care for, and that was nothing to celebrate. I worried he would only despise me from now on.

By Saturday, I had been able to work through some of my feelings, which had enabled me to revise for most of the day. Still, he disturbed my thoughts more than I appreciated, but at least I was able to be somewhat productive.

It was nearing six o’clock when I heard Stephen and Jonathan entering through the front door. They had been there when I first met Jason at the pub three years ago, and I had grasped early on that they were a trio that had lasted since childhood. Stephen was the one who had lived here with Jason before I had moved in.

‘At last,’ Jason said. ‘Don’t tell me you forgot the sushi.’

‘I haven’t got a death wish,’ Jon replied. ‘You ready to get robbed tonight?’

I assumed he was referring to the lads’ night they made time for once a month. ‘Poker night’, they always called it. I had been aware of that tradition of theirs for several years, but it wasn’t until this morning that I had registered that William was a regular participant. The same applied to his friend Andy from work, and another man named Alexander. Apparently, William, Andy and Alex were also a trio alongside Jason, Stephen and Jon. The six of them often interacted because of that, although Jason was supposedly an uncounted member of William’s group as well.

Sensing that there was about to be some activity outside, I reached for my noise-cancelling headset. They had been covering my ears for no more than ten minutes when my chair was suddenly pulled back. Next thing I knew, I was dangling from Jon’s shoulder while I rushed to save my headset from falling to the floor.

‘Oh my God!’ I shouted. ‘Put me down! Immediately! I’m revising!’

All three of them guffawed at the frantic motion of my arms, and it increased in volume when I spanked Jon’s arse.

‘Jon! Put me down!’

After three pirouettes, he charged toward my bed and launched us onto it.

Dizzy, I struggled to fix my gaze on anyone at all, but once my vision settled, I stared at Jon’s devilish grin.

‘Hello, pet. Long time no see.’

It was impossible not to laugh. ‘You twat.’

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