Page 19 of When The Night Falls

‘Please elaborate.’

I grimaced. ‘I’m very dedicated to my studies,’ I said. ‘So, firstly, I can’t afford to be preoccupied with a man, as I’m sure it would divide my attention. Secondly, he wouldn’t deserve to get only leftover scraps of my time, which is what would happen.’

Glancing up, I thought William looked quite impressed with my reasoning.

‘Is that the real reason you’re reluctant to see me again?’

Once more, his directness caught me off guard.

‘You’re very forward,’ I said.

‘Don’t digress.’

My heart slowed as I gazed blankly ahead. He was putting me on the spot, and it wasn’t comfortable. I worried my honesty would change his mind, but I decided to share it anyway.

‘Yes.’

I could, of course, have resorted to a lie, but I wasn’t in the habit of mistreating people. If his feelings were under threat of being toyed with, he deserved to know. I would have wanted as much for myself.

‘I see.’ William nodded. ‘And it’s never occurred to you to let your suitors be the judge of that?’

‘Of what?’

‘Of whether they’d be content with only “leftover scraps” of your time.’

Facing him, I stopped walking for a split second. ‘I – no. Why should I? Wouldn’t that involve inviting the risk in the first place?’

He shrugged. ‘I suppose. Then again, the reward you’d reap would be invaluable.’

‘But the odds of achieving that are astronomical.’ I shook my head. ‘I really don’t think it’s the best tactic.’

‘And there’s no way I can convince you otherwise?’

I noticed that he was consciously keeping his gaze from meeting mine.

I sighed. He might be the most alluring man I had ever met, but I was a rational woman; I knew meeting him again would be sealing my doom. He was a little too alluring.

I could manage one night without getting attached to him, but another was a different story entirely. My attraction to him was too immense to ignore. I had never been so captivated by another individual before, and surely not so fast. It made me fear his power over me. If we met again, I didn’t trust that I would be able to resist growing fond of him; I didn’t trust myself not to give in to temptation. I would want to explore more of him – every alley of his enigmatic mind, and every fibre of his mouth-watering anatomy.

I couldn’t have that. Not now. I didn’t have the capacity for it. I was a top student. Becoming infatuated could ruin that, and I wasn’t about to take the risk. Moreover, I wasn’t interested in making a commitment to someone when I knew I would fall short of their expectations. And, even in the event that I didn’t, my reverence for them would tell me that they deserved better than what I could offer.

‘I’m afraid not.’

William chuckled, but it was a mirthless sound. He stopped walking and faced me. ‘Well, I’ll try either way. For starters, I both admire and respect your dedication to your studies. If you agree to meet me again, you’ll find that out for yourself. I wouldn’t dream of getting in the way of your education.’

Somewhat surprised, I stared up at him. ‘I appreciate that, but I’m afraid it’s out of your hands. You can’t decide how I respond to something – you could get in the way even without meaning to, because I’d simply care about you too much.’ I shrugged. ‘I’m sorry, but this is how I’ve handled it my whole life, and I’m not inclined to change my ways for you.’

His jaw flexed as vague irritation swelled in his features. Letting go of my hand, he glared away.

‘I must admit, I’m a bit shocked your sole intention tonight is to use me for your own sexual benefit. What the hell is that all about?’

Guilt flooded my body. Unsure of what to say, I fell silent.

‘Please don’t tell me it’s due to some discreditable idea of feminism, because that’s nothing short of toxic feminism, and you’re doing every feminist – myself included – a great dishonour and disservice by acting like it’s not.’

‘What do you mean by that?’

He looked at me. ‘I’m asking you if you feel justified in objectifying men because some of us treat women that way.’

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